I’m a pro-cop guy. I believe they have a very difficult job and deal with a lot of crazy shit … very professionally. I believe the majority of them are very considerate and obviously have a lot more patience than I do … but there is one pet peeve they do that drives me absolutely fucking nuts! When they pull somebody over for a traffic stop right in the lane of a busy street! Why can’t you have them pull over into a parking lot or residential street so it doesn’t back up traffic!? Then to make it even worse, the cop will stop their car slightly into the next lane behind the stopped car to protect them during the stop … thus partially blocking that lane also! If you’re at the end of a pursuit and your getting out guns drawn, I get it. But for a normal traffic violation … take it off to the side! You know 95% of the population are rubberneckers who will backup traffic even more when they see the flashing lights. I’ve seen cops direct people into parking lots before, so I know it can be done! Come on guys!
This law is one of the biggest scams ever. [The bullet train gets the title for the biggest scam … but this is a close runner up.] So, in California we now have to bring our own bags to the grocery store to bag our groceries or purchase a bag from the store. What bags are they selling? Plastic! I thought the whole idea behind this stupid fucking law was to cut down on the amount of plastic bags that ended up in the ocean. If they are selling plastic bags … it doesn’t seem like that’s going to help. All the law is really about is making money for the grocery chains … and I’m okay with that … if that’s how you frame it. Don’t give me some bullshit though about how it’s for the environment. Whenever some company wants to raise prices or enact something they know isn’t going to be popular, they go straight to the “heart string” phrases. You know … phrases like:
It’s for the children.
It’s to save the environment.
It’s to save these helpless animals (cue the Sarah McLachen music with the image of a shivering dog).
These are the phrases that enact immediate sympathy and will open the checkbook of any moron who doesn’t want to take the time to do any research. They will donate or vote however you tell them to, just so they can get back to watching their fucking cat videos and not have to think too hard.
First, it was no more paper bags. We’re killing our trees! So, we come up with an alternative: plastic bags. Now … we’re killing our oceans! Make up your fucking mind what you want! I have to have something to bring my groceries home in. The simple fact is humans create waste and passing this law is not going to change that. Now, we buy thicker plastic bags that end up in the same fucking place … but take longer to decompose. What!? You couldn’t foresee that one happening? I don’t want to re-use my bag because the bottom of it has chicken juice in it that will for sure give me salmonella, right!? Well, wash your bag then. Nobody wants to wash their re-usable bags people! In case you haven’t noticed, we have become an instant gratification society. Do you think anybody is going to take the time to wash their grocery bags? Besides, even if I did wash them, I’d fucking forget them at home and have to buy new bags anyways! And that’s what it’s all about. I know this because for a while you could ask for paper bags after this law was enacted … at no charge. So, everyone started going back to paper bags … obviously. Then, “Oh, we don’t have any paper bags. Sorry.” Then, what do you know, when they have more paper bags … they start charging for them.
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but you can still get those single use plastic bags at places like Home Depot or a myriad of other places … at no charge. So, it wasn’t ever really about saving our oceans, otherwise they would have passed a law banning them altogether. It was just about grocery stores wanting to charge for them.
I am always blown away by how much piss is on the floor all around the urinal. How fucking hard is it to aim!? Now, being a guy, I understand that there is back spray from hitting the water that may cause little droplets on the floor and there’s not really much you can do about that. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about actual puddles that require wading boots for me to get close enough to make it in the bowl. And don’t try to give me that shit that “it’s like a fire hose when I let go.” Fuck off! You’re not Lexington Steele. I seriously doubt you piss on the floor at home … so why would you think it’s okay to do it somewhere else!? Grab your little pecker and aim it in the bowl like a civilized human being! And by the way, handling itis a prerequisite.
Don’t be one of those douche bags that just put your hands on your head and lets it go where it goes. If you do this you are a self-aggrandizing asshole. You know someone else is going to have to clean that up … but you don’t care … as long as it’s not you! And don’t give me some shit about how you don’t like to touch it. There’s not a guy on this earth that doesn’t have his hand on his junk half of the day. What’s happened to common decency? This is one of those things like using tools that separate us from the animals. Come on guys! Next time you take a leak … see if you’re one of the guys I’m bitching about. If you are, start sitting down to piss … like the bitch that you are!
If you drive with a dog on your lap … you are a fucking idiot! There’s really no room for debate on this. I’m sure I’m gonna touch the 3rd rail on this one with all the whacked out pet owners … but someone needs to say it. Does the thought not even cross your mind that this might be slightly dangerous!? You are operating “heavy machinery” with a live unpredictable animal in front of all the controls you need to control the car. I’m sure you’ve spoke with Fluffy and he understands that he needs to sit still while you’re driving, so I should just relax and leave you alone. Get the fuck out of here! It’s a dog. He doesn’t understand you, okay! He’s excited to be doing something other than licking his ass all day, so he’s ready to jump at anything that excites him.
Yeah … this looks safe!
And don’t get me started on the people that let their dog hang half way out the driver’s window. This is a recipe for disaster. Once that dog starts to fall out the window, the owner is going to grab for the dog and ignore any actions needed to keep the car on the road. Don’t worry that you might hit another car … or person for that matter … while you’re grabbing for your precious little angel. Dogs are great and give people companionship but they don’t need to go everywhere with you. If you just can’t stand to go anywhere without your little baby because you need the emotional support on your errand… put them in the back seat where they belong. OR … you could just fucking leave them at home. This crazy pet owner thing where people have to have their pets everywhere is getting out of hand but it’s too big for one post … so I’ll touch more on that in the future. I’ll be ready for all the hate mail.
In reality, this is really just a pet peeve against old people I guess because no one else is writing checks anymore. Just calm the fuck down and let me explain before you start in with the you’re such an asshole bit! I don’t have a problem with them writing checks. Hell, I’m envious because they have much less chance of their identity being stolen writing checks. What I have a problem with is them waiting to get the checkbook out of their purse until the last item has rung up. Pull that shit out and start filling it out while your Ensure, Metamucil and Sanka are being rung up! You know what store you’re in. Fill in that area. You know the date. Fill in that area. Sign it and then wait for them to give you the total so that’s the last thing you need to fill in and you’re done in a matter of 30 seconds after that.
[Unless, of course, they write the wrong total. Oh shit! Then they have to write VOID on the check … tear it out of the checkbook … tear it up into 1000 little pieces and put it back in their purse … open their check register … write the VOID in the ledger and balance the register before even starting to write the new check.]
I know you’re retired and this is the “event” for the day but I have a busy life and I have 50 other things I have to do today … unlike you. Just because you got old doesn’t mean it excuses you from trying to be efficient and courteous of other people’s time. Shit, you’ve probably written over 10,000 checks by now in your life, so you now how to do it! You can’t tell me that at least once you haven’t been in line behind some nice old lady. The cashier gives her the total and then she starts digging around in her purse. Pulling things out, stacking them on the counter, so she can get to her checkbook at the bottom. Then … she starts searching for a pen to write with. If you didn’t start to think “Oh my God! Are you serious!?” You ARE a fucking liar! Look, I have a grandmother and I love her to pieces but if she was in front of me doing the shit I just mentioned, I would think the same about her. Maybe the way the stores have a 15 items or less lane … they should have a 70 and older lane so that all the old people can take their time in line writing checks and the people behind them will be understanding because … they’re going to do the same damn thing!
You know when you slow down to allow someone to get in front of you in your lane. This act requires a thank you wave from the other party. It doesn’t need to be some over the top wave. You don’t need to turn around and make eye contact. A simple raising of the hand and nod of the head will suffice. This simple gesture acknowledges they know you yielded for them and they are grateful for your act of kindness. If you do not do this simple thank you wave … you are a self-absorbed asshole that I hope contracts syphilis and dies a lonely, horrible death. Now … that statement may appear a little harsh … but if you know I let you in and you don’t acknowledge it, then you are essentially saying that you are better than me. What makes you think you are more important than I am? A growing portion of the population has become so self-absorbed in their own meaningless little existence that they forget there are even other people around them. It’s really just another form of entitlement that is running rampant in our society. If I clearly slow down to let you over because the lane is ending … and there were signs for miles letting you know the lane was ending … I’m being considerate and deserve a thanks. I could … and have … jockeyed to make sure you can not get in front of me and am forced to drop in behind me … with a slam of your brakes before you crash your car. I don’t like having to do this … well, maybe I do … but sometimes people just need to be jarred awake from their own perception that they are superior to everyone else and their time is more important. How difficult is it to acknowledge a kind act!? It’s not! Raise your fucking hand and wave thanks!
Is your phone call so fucking important that you can’t end it to interact with the cashier!?
Are you on the phone to the U.N. with the solution to world hunger?
Are you on the phone to the government of Africa with a solution to their potable water problem?
Are you on the phone with the American Cancer Society with the breakthrough cure for cancer?
If not, then hang up your fucking phone asshole and conduct yourself like a civil human being! Do you think you’re better than the person working the register? I watched a person in front of me talk on their phone from the time they got in line until the time they walked out the door? The cashier asking them questions only to get a head nod while droning on into the phone about their weekend plans. “Do you need bags?” Completely ignores the cashier. The cashier politely asks again, only to get a pissed look that they interrupted them while they are on the phone. They shake their head NO … while never breaking from the phone conversation . Do you think you’re so important that normal rules don’t apply to you? Unfortunately, this seems to be the ever growing case! People more and more think that they are something special and don’t need to show other people respect. Trust me, you’re not as important as you think you are.
This has become a nightmare! You used to be able to call some places and speak with a human being … those days are over. Now when you call, you get a computer disguised with a human voice. This, in of itself, does not bother me too much because some of the humans on the other end of the line are no fucking help at all. (And don’t get me started on “Bob” from India who I can’t understand because of his thick accent). If the system is well built and allows you say what you need and then directs you to where you need to go, it works. Everybody though has run into the system that is … shall we say … not built so well and only gives you a small list of options to choose from. Inevitably, what I need is not one of the items listed so … I don’t press anything. Response: “I’m sorry, I did not hear your selection. Press 1 if … blah, blah, blah” and you are in an endless fucking loop until you press one of the selections! Sometimes, you press something that’s not what you want hoping that it will give you another group of numbers to choose from that might have the service you need. This strategy almost always fails and you end up down some rabbit hole that you eventually have to hang up on and call again! I’ve learned to not say anything but “OPERATOR!” … usually numerous times because the system is still adamant that it can help you. A few businesses have gotten wise to this and won’t even acknowledge the command “operator” or pressing zero. You are helplessly stuck speaking to a fucking robot choosing from a list of their commands! So … I begrudgingly enter my account number into the system and make a bunch more 1 though 9 selections only to be transferred to another department. Upon connecting to the next department … it asks me for my account number. Didn’t I just enter my fucking account number!? Again, begrudgingly, I enter my account number again! Finally, the system has figured out what I need (10 minutes later) and says what? “Due to an unusually high volume of calls, you may experience a longer than normal wait time. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you an soon as possible.” [start annoying hold music]. Roughly 3-4 minutes into the wait period you hear a click like someone picked up the phone and is going to help you. Nope! It’s just the soundtrack resetting to play you the obnoxious music again! You fall for this the next few times it happens also. Roughly 45 minutes later a person finally picks up the phone. What’s the first thing they say!? “Account number, please.” Why the fuck did I enter it all those times before!? Doesn’t the computer bring it up on the screen since I’ve already entered it!? As I try to mask the anger in my voice, I explain what I’m calling for only to be told they can’t help me with that and they will have to transfer me to another department. [start annoying hold music … again!] I’m about ready to throw my phone across the room at this point. I honestly believe companies do this in the hopes that you will get so pissed off you say “Fuck it!” and hang up. Half the time, it works!
Don’t hand me a cup that you overfilled without wiping it off! This is especially true when I get a soda through the drive-thru and you are handing me a cup that I’m going to put into my cup holder! The soda is sticky and without a doubt will transfer to my cup holder … thus making my cup holder sticky! Sure, you may give me a few extra napkins … but wiping it down with a dry napkin is not going to do shit! All it does is move the soda around the outside of the cup and now I have a sticky cup AND a wet sticky napkin. The same thing goes for coffee … or really … any drink. It’s just lazy customer service! I’m not going to get upset it you stiff me liquid a 1/4″ from the top. Let’s be real, if I’m getting a soda, you’ve already filled the cup to the top with ice so I’m not getting much anyways … so 1/4″ is not going to make a bit of difference!
These are the machines that are in various places like the movie theaters that have every possible soda in one kiosk. You pick on the digital screen which flavor you want, press the button and that soda is dispensed. The first time I saw these, I thought “Wow! That’s cool!” Then I used it. Although, you have all those flavors at your fingertips, I’m pretty much a traditionalist. I just want a Classic Coke to go with my popcorn. I maneuver through the tediously long list to get to my selection. I fill up my cup and taste it before I put the lid on and … it taste like Cherry Coke. I didn’t pick Cherry Coke, I picked Classic Coke! I thought maybe the bags had been switched and just accepted it because the movie was gonna start soon. The next time I went, the same thing happened but now I have Vanilla Coke. What the fuck!? Well, I finally figured out that whatever flavor came through the dispenser last time … you’re gonna get some of that flavor in your cup also! I figured, okay, I can work around this. Next time I fill up, I’m going to let it run for a few seconds to get the previous flavor out before I put my cup in there. I thought it was a brilliant idea … until I did it and the Coke hit the grating and splashed all over the front of me! AND … it didn’t work! I drank Lime Coke that time. Who the hell is drinking Lime Coke!? Anytime I see those machines somewhere I shrug my shoulders and accept defeat. I have yet not to taste some rogue flavor coming out of those dispensers every time I fill up. At least they have finally made a “shortcut” button to Classic Coke on the first screen … which really doesn’t make much difference because it’s never just Classic Coke flavor. And one more thing about these machines – when I fill up my cup, since there is a mile from the nozzle and the bottom of the cup, it creates foam. In the time I wait for the foam to go down so that I can top off my cup … the fucking machine has reset and I have to select the flavor again. I have to do this numerous times until the cup has filled. Seriously!?
TodaysPetPeeve 