If you are easily offended … you should probably leave now.
I’m not politically correct and undoubtedly I WILL say some offensive things. If you are easily offended this is not a place for you. If you have a thick skin and can take a joke, stick around and I’ll try to make you laugh as often as I can and share all the little things that piss me off … and probably piss you off too.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
It appears that the qualifications to become a grocery bagger have diminished over the years. I remember as a child going with my mom to the grocery store and watching the person bag the groceries. (Hey! … when I was a kid I didn’t have a cell phone to mindlessly stare into and watch any cartoon I wanted at any fucking time … so I had to entertain myself by observing the things around me.)
The guy visually scanned the groceries coming down the conveyor belt and would reach for things that he needed to create the perfect Tetris bag. He would leave things on the belt until he needed them. Every grab had a purpose and he hustled because once he was finished with our groceries he had to jump to the next aisle and bag those groceries. There was always an aisle he had to move to and bag groceries. He knew he had to hustle … or he would be replaced.
Clearly, the job is not viewed with the same high regard it once was. It’s apparent that no training is being done for this position anymore before putting the person into action. I believe the only qualification needed now for this job is breathing.
Everybody knows that you put the box shaped things at the bottom to keep the shape of the bag. Once you’ve established a base layer that keeps the bag’s shape … then you can be less critical about what you put in the bag. Now, when I say less critical, it certainly does not mean anything goes. There are certain hierarchies and groupings that must be adhered to for proper grocery bagging.
Every bag should have a base layer of boxed items … but you certainly wouldn’t want to put frozen things on top of boxes that aren’t frozen food. Come on! The frozen item will obviously start to thaw causing condensation … which due to the laws of gravity … will make it’s way down to the box. If you don’t get home right away, you are risking the box getting wet which could compromise the integrity of the structure you’ve built on the bottom layer. It’s not rocket science!
You also always try to keep frozen foods together! (The frozenness of the items help to keep everything cold)
You don’t pack vegetables at the bottom with things on top of them.
Bread and eggs are obviously top bag items.
And you certainly don’t put your vegetables in with your meats.
These all seem like pretty straight forward guidelines … don’t they!? I have gone to the grocery store and watched with great anxiety as my groceries are tossed in the bag with wanton disregard for any of these rules! Tomatoes on the bottom with liters of soda placed on top … yogurt at the bottom of the bag with hard edged cans haphazardly tossed on top of them … bread thrown in first only to have a pineapple stacked on top! It’s complete anarchy!
If you can’t … or won’t … adhere to these few basic guidelines, then you have no place bagging groceries! A large group of the people who currently hold these positions have a lackadaisical attitude. This is infuriating! Sure, it may not be your dream job … but it is your current job … so do it to the best of your ability. You never know who’s watching and you never know if it could lead to something else.
Regarding the phrase to best of your ability … I have to say something and it’s probably not going to be received very well and it’s probably going to piss a lot of people off … but … Fuck It! … someone has to say it.
Let me preface this by saying I think it’s awesome that grocery stores hire people with disabilities. They get my unwavering admiration for employing them and giving them a sense of normalcy and a chance to make a living … but … do they have to put them in the bagger position for fuck’s sake!? Can’t management have them stock shelves or sweep or do anything other than bag my groceries!?
Many of them just throw groceries in the bag in whatever order they come down the conveyor belt! No concern for keeping my vegetables pristine … total disregard for the box on the bottom rule … bruising my perfect apples that I painstakingly chose … smashing my loaf of bread into the size of a single dinner roll … decimating my bag of chips with liters of soda placed on top of them … I mean … come on! These groceries aren’t cheap! And if I dare say anything negative about their bagging skills … I’m a huge insensitive prick! I don’t think it’s fair that I’m put in the situation where I spend all this money on groceries and can’t say anything about if they’re being damaged in the bagging process without coming across as a dick. If a person doesn’t have the capacity to do a job well … disabled or not … then management is obligated to have them do something else. I’m not trying to be callous but if you can’t do the job … you can’t do the job. I mean …you certainly aren’t going to have a blind man officiate Wimbledon!
Sorry! It needed to be said. (You know where the comments button is located if you were triggered.)
In the interest of full disclosure, I was never a grocery bagger when I was younger … but I’m pretty sure I would have crushed it! Definitely better than the baggers I’ve recently come in contact with. I’m sure some of you, whom I’ve pissed off with my previous comment, would protest my declaration by saying …
If you haven’t done it … then you can’t say you would do it better.
Actually I can! The reason I know is because the past few years I’ve started having to bag my own groceries … and I do a hell of a better job than the baggers currently hired to do it! Ever since Aldi came to town the other grocery stores don’t staff baggers like they used to. I’m guessing they figure if you can bag your own groceries at Aldi … then you can do it here too. At first, I was pissed that now it became my job to bag my groceries … but in all honesty, it’s worked out better. Less shit gets damaged and I Tetris the fuck out of those bags! Alexey Pajitnov would be proud.
Recently, A young man was waiting at the end of the aisle to bag my groceries. I started to get that feeling of defeat wash over me … until I watched him. He put boxes on the bottom, kept the proper food groups together. He was a natural! I was so impressed I actually wanted to tip him out of disbelief that someone actually did it properly. I thought giving him a tip might come across as demeaning, so I decided against it … but I couldn’t let it go without telling him what a great job I thought he did. I said:
“Nice job bagging the groceries”
He looked at me … with the look only a teenager is capable of giving … that translated into whatever you fucking weird old man. I didn’t care though … I was so proud of him.
RSVP is an acronym for Répondez s’il vous plaît. It’s French for respond if you please. The literal translation to English gives the sense of ambiguity with the phrase if you please. It comes across this way only because of the grammatical structure of the French language. A true representation in English would be “please respond.” It’s not meant to translate if you feel like it. A response is always required … unless you are a self-absorbed asshole who doesn’t give a shit about being a decent human being.
I’m not quite sure when it became common place to ignore an RSVP? Actually … now that I think about it … I don’t think it’s ever become accepted to ignore an RSVP. Really, it just speaks volumes about a person’s lack of character when they ignore the RSVP!
The thing that pisses me off the most is the hypocrisy of some non-RSVP-ers. A person can ignore your RSVP numerous times but when they throw a get together and you don’t RSVP … they are outraged. An analogy would be a criminal who steals, knowing it’s wrong but still justifies their actions … and then when they are robbed, they get pissed.
It has never been easier to RSVP with the current technology … and people still don’t do it! Sure, in times past when you had to sit down, write out a response, find a stamp to put on the envelope and take it to the post office … it could be deemed laborious. Although it did not give you a legitimate excuse not to RSVP … it could be conceived that the person genuinely didn’t have the time to get it in the mail. Now you can RSVP on your phone … that you’re staring at for 18 fucking hours a day … and all that is required is clicking a button! It literally takes 3 seconds … and yet there are still people who don’t RSVP!
On a separate note … what is the maybe attending bullshit!? Make a fucking decision! If you click maybe what you are essentially saying is: “If nothing better comes up, I’ll come to your shitty party.”
Honestly, I don’t give a shit if you come or not …
… but I DO want to know how much food I have to get. I don’t want to end up with a refrigerator full of leftovers that I eventually have to throw out or be short on food if you fail to let me know you’re coming … and then show up!
Come on people! It’s never been easier to RSVP to an invite. Don’t be that person! If you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings by not attending … don’t you think they’ll be more upset if you just never acknowledge their invite? If you don’t RSVP you’re basically saying to them that they’re not even worth 3 seconds of your time. That would sting more than you just not attending. Just saying …
Before you start getting all riled up and start typing your angry tweets … holster your thumbs and just hear me out! I don’t want to get assaulted by every feminist in a 5o mile radius, so … let me state loudandclear … that I don’t think women’s problems are any less important than men’s problems. They are usually (oops! Sorry, Freudian slip … I’m JUST KIDDING, relax) just as valid and deserve our full attention.
The issue I have … is talking about them! Women handle their problems much differently than men do. Giving her the support she’s seeking is a struggle for most men because when she has a problem, she just wants to talk about it … that’s all.
“He never listens. All he wants to do is solve my problem.”
Uh …. yeah! Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you have a problem!? When men have a problem they define the problem, brainstorm solutions, decide the best solution and then implement the solution to solve the problem. Every man reading this currently is saying “Exactly!” … and every woman reading this is sighing with disappointment.
Ladies … we’re sorry. We just don’t understand your way of dealing with problems! Women define problems in broader terms and examine a wider array of potential factors before going into solution mode … if solution mode is ever even a destination. Men, by nature, are problem solvers. It’s in our DNA. Our natural inclination is to solve a problem that we are presented. Granted, we don’t always implement the best solution … but we decide on a solution and do it. Women on the other hand just want to talk about a problem and aren’t really looking for a solution. Huh!? This makes absolutely NO sense to a man! When women have problems and they want to discuss them with a man … this can often lead to … let’s say … misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
In a man’s mind, if she is coming to me with her problem … she needs help solving it. I love this woman … so we are going to figure out a solution so she can move past it. In a woman’s mind, she is thinking that he loves me so I can talk to him about my problem and how I’m feeling.
Men … a piece of advice. The last word in the previous paragraph is what it’s really about. It’s not about the problem … it’s about her feelings.
Women … a piece of advice. Feelings are the lowest rung on the ladder of problem solving for a man. If you come to us with a problem, our natural inclination is to solve it … not talk about feelings.
I’ve been told that when a woman wants to talk to you about her problem that she is not always looking for an answer. What!? As much as I understand these words … the sentiment goes against every fiber of a man’s being. Believe me, for the sake of tranquility, I have tried to just listen and not give solutions … but it doesn’t feel natural! When men discuss problems with other men, if the other guy does not offer up a solution … it means he doesn’t give a shit. So, if I have a solution to your problem and don’t voice it … in my brain … I feel as if I’m humoring you and giving the appearance that I don’t care about your problem. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If I’m actively giving you solutions to your problem, it means I care. If I’m just listening and not giving any suggestions … it means I don’t give a shit.
It all just comes down to the differences between men and women.
As hard as I try to just listen when my wife talks to me about something that’s bothering her, I cannot stop from telling her what I think she should do. It gives me anxiety to just sit and listen without offering up solutions. Problems are meant to be solved … not discussed. This annoys the shit out of her (I know because she’s told me so!) and you would think that I would have learned by now … but it’s not a matter of learning. It’s just how men’s brains work.
Truth be told, I’ve succeeded in listening and not giving solutions a few times. My wife would argue this has never happened … but it did. I remember … because it took every ounce of my being to keep my mouth shut! Even though I had what I thought to be a perfect solution, I bit my tongue … hard! The few times I did this, I felt I came across apathetic … and not to mention anxious for sitting there with the answer and not giving it. Do you know how hard that is for a know-it-all, like myself!?
So, let’s recap. You present me with a problem that you have. I have (what I think) is a perfect solution. You don’t want to hear the solution. You just want to talk more about the problem. On what planet does this make any sense? Oh that’s right … Venus.
… one of the funniest things I’ve seen regarding the difference between men and women’s brains is by Mark Gungor. You can watch it here. It’s G rated … but it is hilarious!
This is a person who blocks your access to something with their cart and doesn’t allow you to get something … until they are done. Now, I’m not talking about me being impatient waiting for someone to move so I can grab something. No, no, no. I’m talking about the person who deliberately and strategically uses their cart to block you.
Let me give you an example …
I wanted to get some steaks from the meat cooler. That’s the open topped refrigerated section that the prepackaged meat is sitting in (seen above). I go over and there is an asshole who has his cart length wise against the cooler, so the packages are out of my reach unless I’m going to be rude and reach across him … and for once … I’m trying to be polite. He is picking up every fucking package and inspecting it. He senses my impatience due to the death stare I’m now giving him and the intentional heavy sighs I’m emitting. He senses that I’m past being polite and I’m about to reach across and grab a package. He then starts piling the packages close to him … almost guarding them because he doesn’t know what package is going to be the “one” and doesn’t want me to grab any until he’s viewed them all. He quickly decides this package is the best one and puts it in his cart and scurries off. He left all the packages he fucked with against the edge in disarray. What a dick!
Another type of blocking …
A person who leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle while they walk off to look at something. Then when I come down the aisle, I have to patiently stop and wait for them to come back and move their cart … or I have to move it. I always pick the latter! I grab their cart and abruptly move it, frustrated by what an inconsiderate asshole this person is. This usually elicits a look of disbelief that I had the nerve to touch their cart. Uh … you better fucking believe it! Next time, don’t leave your cart in the middle of the fucking aisle asshole! Do you think you’re the only one shopping here!?
And the stores can be guilty of blocking also …
Quite honestly, I believe this is the worst. You are choosing now to stock your fucking shelves! Seriously!? You couldn’t do it when the store was closed!? And the employees never have their shit off to the side of the aisle. No! They always block almost an entire entrance to an aisle so you have to go all the way around to the other side to get what you need down the aisle. They bring huge carts out and won’t move them for you to get by. You do want my business, right!? Stock that shit after hours!
If you are one of the stupid people, like myself, who fill up their cars at the Costco Gasoline centers … you know how long the line can be.
You wait in the exceptionally long lines because usually you can save some money on gas. If you’re in a hurry … this is not the place you want to fill up. So you go with the understanding that you will sit in a line for a while until you get to the pump.
Now … let me preface this by saying I knew there was going to be a line … AND … I knew that I would be sitting there for a while … AND … I knew I should bring my patience and understanding … but even knowing that does not excuse the acts of stupidity of some people.
You were sitting in a line of cars, looking straight ahead and you didn’t notice the sign that reads: Please have your membership cards ready. You were sitting in that line for 20 minutes! Each time you looked up you couldn’t bother to read any of the signs staring you in the face? You didn’t think at any time to pull out your cards for the sake of efficiency and have them ready? Of course not! You were probably too busy looking at your fucking phone at the new cat videos all your single, lonely friends sent you! So you pull up to the pump and then have to rummage through your purse looking for your card. Meanwhile the people behind you are wondering what the fuck you’re doing and why you haven’t gotten your ass out of the car to start pumping gas.
Oh! Would you look at that! The gas door is on the other side. You didn’t know!? I know it’s not a new car by looking at the piece of shit … so I’m thinking you should know by now which side the gas door is on! Luckily the pumps have long hoses that will reach around … but you still can’t seem to make it work. So I watch you fuck around for 5 minutes trying to pull the hose over the car and get the nozzle in the hole. Every car has cycled out by now … except you!
You finally get it going and then you go back, sit down and start cleaning trash out of your car.
Seriously!? I can appreciate your multi-tasking … but I saw the handle click off minutes ago and you’re still cleaning your car out! Once you hear the click, you better get your fucking ass over to the nozzle and put it away. You don’t get to keep cleaning out your shit! There’s a line of cars waiting for you to move so they can fill up … dumb-ass!
Let me give you another piece of advice. After you finish pumping your gas:
Get in your car.
Start it immediately.
Drive the fuck out!
Don’t sit there and
put the cards back in your purse
look through your purse for a coupon
adjust your seat
adjust your mirror
find the song you want to listen to before driving
pull up directions on your navigation system
In case you forgot, there are 7,000 cars behind you that want to get on with their lives and you’re preventing that from happening!
I realize that I went there knowing I was going to have to wait but that doesn’t mean people get to take their sweet fucking time! How about being considerate to the people behind you! Be efficient people! Pull ahead and pull into a parking space to do whatever stupid shit you need to do. Don’t do it at the gas pump! Keep the line moving!
I can’t think of any mother that did not tell their child a thousand times to chew with their mouth closed. In the event that you’re the one person who was never told this … I’m telling you now:
Nobody wants to see the slimy, half-eaten, nasty mess in your mouth while you’re eating … so close your fucking mouth while you chew!
Every kid is taught this. If you say you weren’t … you are a fucking liar! People who chew with their mouth open have made a conscious decision to no longer be human beings. I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons that may drive a person to decide that this is an acceptable behavior but I’m guessing the main one is a big “F.U.” to their mother for always nagging them about it.
“I’m an adult now and I can do what I want! So … I’m gonna chew with my mouth open and you can’t do anything about it!”
Yes … you are really getting back at Mom now, aren’t you!? Many of you can’t understand why you’re still single? Maybe because you eat like a fucking animal and no woman wants to be around that. Even Helen Keller would turn away in disgust!
Chewing with your mouth open has got to be one of the most disgusting behaviors I can think of. (Picking your nose and eating it is probably number one … and yes … people do that. I’ve witnessed it sitting at a stoplight. Apparently people don’t think we can see through a car window!?) Not only is viewing the masticated mess in your mouth disgusting but there’s a very good chance that half-chewed food particles will fly out of your mouth while chewing … and God knows where they’ll land. FYI … if you are sitting across from me at a dinner table … you sure as shit better chew with your mouth closed because if any food particles from your mouth land on my plate … we are going to have a problem!
Aside from the chance that half eaten food will fly out of your mouth, there is also the abhorrent sounds created by chewing with your mouth open. The slimy sound of the saliva enveloping the food. The obnoxiously loud crunching. The smacking of lips. People actually lose their shit over the sound of people eating with their mouth open. It’s called Misophonia. It’s a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses. People’s reactions can range from anger and annoyance to panic and the need to flee.
To my knowledge, I do not suffer from Misophonia because I don’t feel the need to flee. I DO have the urge to say:
“Close your mouth, you fucking pig! Watching you eat is making me lose my appetite!”
… but I think that’s just because I’m an intolerant asshole.
There are always some of you do-gooders who always want to try and defend someone or their actions and will say:
“Maybe the person’s nose is clogged and they can’t help it?”
My answer to you is …too fucking bad! Have some common decency for the rest of us and eat alone in your house if you can’t breath with your mouth closed. Why should everyone else have to be repulsed by your open mouth chewing because you’ve got a cold? Drink a fucking protein shake! Think of someone other than yourself … for once. If I have IBS, does that mean it’s alright for me to fart at the table while everyone’s eating? NO! You have to be considerate of other people.
Next time you’re eating, pay attention and determine if you are an open mouth chewer. If you discover you are … just know you’re an utter disappointment to your mother … and work on closing your fucking mouth when you eat.
These fucking things drive me up the wall! They never work! I put my hands under the faucet … nothing. I wave my hands around in the sink … nothing. I figure it’s broken and move over to the next one and then the previous one turns on. I move back over and put my hands under the running water … it turns off. I wave my hands around again … nothing!
I know I’m not the only one who this happens to because I’ve been in the restroom and seen other guys moving from sink to sink dealing with the same shit! Don’t get me wrong, I understand why businesses put them in. No one wants to get an enormous water bill because some asshole leaves the faucet running indefinitely but put some in that work … if there is such a thing!
As far as hygiene goes … they are a great idea! I’m not sure how much thought you’ve given to touching the handles of the faucet but … you can’t wash your hands before turning on the sink. Think that through for a second …
That’s right! Never thought of that, did you?
With the technology we have, why can’t they make these things work!? The fucking urinal sensor is set to ultra-sensitive and goes off multiple times spraying your junk with toilet water while you’re doing your business and the faucet sensor is set to the lowest sensitivity there is! It seems like these sensors should be switched. Has that thought eluded the engineers that created these things and a simpleton like me had to point it out!?
I don’t claim to be the sharpest knife in the set but it also seems like it would be smarter to put the sensor near the water outlet rather than the base. Why? When you put your hands under the faucet, you put them where the water is expected to come out. If the sensor was facing down next to the water outlet … it might actually work!