Calling for Customer Service

This has become a nightmare! You used to be able to call some places and speak with a human being … those days are over. Now when you call, you get a computer disguised with a human voice. This, in of itself, does not bother me too much because some of the humans on the other end of the line are no fucking help at all. (And don’t get me started on “Bob” from India who I can’t understand because of his thick accent). If the system is well built and allows you say what you need and then directs you to where you need to go, it works. Everybody though has run into the system that is … shall we say … not built so well and only gives you a small list of options to choose from. Inevitably, what I need is not one of the items listed so … I don’t press anything. Response: “I’m sorry, I did not hear your selection. Press 1 if … blah, blah, blah” and you are in an endless fucking loop until you press one of the selections! Sometimes, you press something that’s not what you want hoping that it will give you another group of numbers to choose from that might have the service you need. This strategy almost always fails and you end up down some rabbit hole that you eventually have to hang up on and call again! I’ve learned to not say anything but “OPERATOR!” … usually numerous times because the system is still adamant that it can help you. A few businesses have gotten wise to this and won’t even acknowledge the command “operator” or pressing zero. You are helplessly stuck speaking to a fucking robot choosing from a list of their commands! So … I begrudgingly enter my account number into the system and make a bunch more 1 though 9 selections only to be transferred to another department. Upon connecting to the next department … it asks me for my account number. Didn’t I just enter my fucking account number!? Again, begrudgingly, I enter my account number again! Finally, the system has figured out what I need (10 minutes later) and says what? “Due to an unusually high volume of calls, you may experience a longer than normal wait time. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you an soon as possible.” [start annoying hold music]. Roughly 3-4 minutes into the wait period you hear a click like someone picked up the phone and is going to help you. Nope! It’s just the soundtrack resetting to play you the obnoxious music again! You fall for this the next few times it happens also. Roughly 45 minutes later a person finally picks up the phone. What’s the first thing they say!? “Account number, please.” Why the fuck did I enter it all those times before!? Doesn’t the computer bring it up on the screen since I’ve already entered it!? As I try to mask the anger in my voice, I explain what I’m calling for only to be told they can’t help me with that and they will have to transfer me to another department. [start annoying hold music … again!] I’m about ready to throw my phone across the room at this point. I honestly believe companies do this in the hopes that you will get so pissed off you say “Fuck it!” and hang up. Half the time, it works!

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