Driving With A Dog On Your Lap

If you drive with a dog on your lap … you are a fucking idiot! There’s really no room for debate on this. I’m sure I’m gonna touch the 3rd rail on this one with all the whacked out pet owners … but someone needs to say it. Does the thought not even cross your mind that this might be slightly dangerous!? You are operating “heavy machinery” with a live unpredictable animal in front of all the controls you need to control the car. I’m sure you’ve spoke with Fluffy and he understands that he needs to sit still while you’re driving, so I should just relax and leave you alone. Get the fuck out of here! It’s a dog. He doesn’t understand you, okay! He’s excited to be doing something other than licking his ass all day, so he’s ready to jump at anything that excites him.

And don’t get me started on the people that let their dog hang half way out the driver’s window. This is a recipe for disaster. Once that dog starts to fall out the window, the owner is going to grab for the dog and ignore any actions needed to keep the car on the road. Don’t worry that you might hit another car … or person for that matter … while you’re grabbing for your precious little angel. Dogs are great and give people companionship but they don’t need to go everywhere with you. If you just can’t stand to go anywhere without your little baby because you need the emotional support on your errand… put them in the back seat where they belong. OR … you could just fucking leave them at home. This crazy pet owner thing where people have to have their pets everywhere is getting out of hand but it’s too big for one post … so I’ll touch more on that in the future. I’ll be ready for all the hate mail.

Writing Checks for Groceries

In reality, this is really just a pet peeve against old people I guess because no one else is writing checks anymore. Just calm the fuck down and let me explain before you start in with the you’re such an asshole bit! I don’t have a problem with them writing checks. Hell, I’m envious because they have much less chance of their identity being stolen writing checks. What I have a problem with is them waiting to get the checkbook out of their purse until the last item has rung up. Pull that shit out and start filling it out while your Ensure, Metamucil and Sanka are being rung up! You know what store you’re in. Fill in that area. You know the date. Fill in that area. Sign it and then wait for them to give you the total so that’s the last thing you need to fill in and you’re done in a matter of 30 seconds after that.

[Unless, of course, they write the wrong total. Oh shit! Then they have to write VOID on the check … tear it out of the checkbook … tear it up into 1000 little pieces and put it back in their purse … open their check register … write the VOID in the ledger and balance the register before even starting to write the new check.]

I know you’re retired and this is the “event” for the day but I have a busy life and I have 50 other things I have to do today … unlike you. Just because you got old doesn’t mean it excuses you from trying to be efficient and courteous of other people’s time. Shit, you’ve probably written over 10,000 checks by now in your life, so you now how to do it! You can’t tell me that at least once you haven’t been in line behind some nice old lady. The cashier gives her the total and then she starts digging around in her purse. Pulling things out, stacking them on the counter, so she can get to her checkbook at the bottom. Then … she starts searching for a pen to write with. If you didn’t start to think “Oh my God! Are you serious!?” You ARE a fucking liar! Look, I have a grandmother and I love her to pieces but if she was in front of me doing the shit I just mentioned, I would think the same about her. Maybe the way the stores have a 15 items or less lane … they should have a 70 and older lane so that all the old people can take their time in line writing checks and the people behind them will be understanding because … they’re going to do the same damn thing!

The Driving Thank You Wave

You know when you slow down to allow someone to get in front of you in your lane. This act requires a thank you wave from the other party. It doesn’t need to be some over the top wave. You don’t need to turn around and make eye contact. A simple raising of the hand and nod of the head will suffice. This simple gesture acknowledges they know you yielded for them and they are grateful for your act of kindness. If you do not do this simple thank you wave … you are a self-absorbed asshole that I hope contracts syphilis and dies a lonely, horrible death. Now … that statement may appear a little harsh … but if you know I let you in and you don’t acknowledge it, then you are essentially saying that you are better than me. What makes you think you are more important than I am? A growing portion of the population has become so self-absorbed in their own meaningless little existence that they forget there are even other people around them. It’s really just another form of entitlement that is running rampant in our society. If I clearly slow down to let you over because the lane is ending … and there were signs for miles letting you know the lane was ending … I’m being considerate and deserve a thanks. I could … and have … jockeyed to make sure you can not get in front of me and am forced to drop in behind me … with a slam of your brakes before you crash your car. I don’t like having to do this … well, maybe I do … but sometimes people just need to be jarred awake from their own perception that they are superior to everyone else and their time is more important. How difficult is it to acknowledge a kind act!? It’s not! Raise your fucking hand and wave thanks!

Calling for Customer Service

This has become a nightmare! You used to be able to call some places and speak with a human being … those days are over. Now when you call, you get a computer disguised with a human voice. This, in of itself, does not bother me too much because some of the humans on the other end of the line are no fucking help at all. (And don’t get me started on “Bob” from India who I can’t understand because of his thick accent). If the system is well built and allows you say what you need and then directs you to where you need to go, it works. Everybody though has run into the system that is … shall we say … not built so well and only gives you a small list of options to choose from. Inevitably, what I need is not one of the items listed so … I don’t press anything. Response: “I’m sorry, I did not hear your selection. Press 1 if … blah, blah, blah” and you are in an endless fucking loop until you press one of the selections! Sometimes, you press something that’s not what you want hoping that it will give you another group of numbers to choose from that might have the service you need. This strategy almost always fails and you end up down some rabbit hole that you eventually have to hang up on and call again! I’ve learned to not say anything but “OPERATOR!” … usually numerous times because the system is still adamant that it can help you. A few businesses have gotten wise to this and won’t even acknowledge the command “operator” or pressing zero. You are helplessly stuck speaking to a fucking robot choosing from a list of their commands! So … I begrudgingly enter my account number into the system and make a bunch more 1 though 9 selections only to be transferred to another department. Upon connecting to the next department … it asks me for my account number. Didn’t I just enter my fucking account number!? Again, begrudgingly, I enter my account number again! Finally, the system has figured out what I need (10 minutes later) and says what? “Due to an unusually high volume of calls, you may experience a longer than normal wait time. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you an soon as possible.” [start annoying hold music]. Roughly 3-4 minutes into the wait period you hear a click like someone picked up the phone and is going to help you. Nope! It’s just the soundtrack resetting to play you the obnoxious music again! You fall for this the next few times it happens also. Roughly 45 minutes later a person finally picks up the phone. What’s the first thing they say!? “Account number, please.” Why the fuck did I enter it all those times before!? Doesn’t the computer bring it up on the screen since I’ve already entered it!? As I try to mask the anger in my voice, I explain what I’m calling for only to be told they can’t help me with that and they will have to transfer me to another department. [start annoying hold music … again!] I’m about ready to throw my phone across the room at this point. I honestly believe companies do this in the hopes that you will get so pissed off you say “Fuck it!” and hang up. Half the time, it works!

Action Speakers

Everybody has an inner dialogue in their head. You know the conversations that you have in your head but nobody else hears … or NEEDS to hear! For example, when you do your mental checklist before going out the door: wallet, keys, cellphone, check! Okay maybe this is not the best example because I know many people say that checklist out loud because it helps them remember … but you are also usually alone. Do you know when you don’t need to say everything out loud? When you’re at the grocery store. I was behind a woman last night that said out loud everything she saw and was doing. Upon being rung up she started talking incessantly. “Oh! Did I get that one? I didn’t want that one. Just ring it up and I’ll go get the other one. I have my Uber outside and I don’t want to make them wait. I’ll just get the Salisbury Steak. Oh, how much did that ring up as? Did I get the discounted price?” Holy shit, I don’t think she even came up for air! Then she went to pay and started reading the instructions on the card reader screen. This is verbatim what came out of her mouth – “Insert card. Okay, I’m inserting my card … Cash back? No, I don’t want cash back … Total. Yes, that’s the total … Processing. Okay, processing.” And before you start trying to make excuses for her like “…maybe she had mental problems? Did you think of that?” She didn’t have any fucking disabilities. She is just one of those annoying people who loves to hear her own voice and thinks everybody else wants to also. News flash! I don’t. This interaction at the grocery store is something that almost everybody does and they don’t feel the need to give the play by play! Last time you went to the grocery store, did the person in front of you act like this? I’m guessing not or you would have definitely remembered. They probably ran their card, waited patiently and then had a pleasant exchange of Thank You with the clerk. They didn’t announce every action they were doing. Do you know why they call it an “inner dialogue?” Because it’s in your head … for only YOU to hear. When you start speaking it out loud, people start thinking your crazy … and it’s fucking annoying!

Hotel Bathroom Fans

I have noticed at the last 5 hotels that I’ve stayed at there is no fan in the bathroom. When did this become a thing!? And who the hell thought this was a good idea? I guess if you’re traveling alone it may be fine but if you are traveling with someone else … it’s NOT okay! Inevitably at some point during your stay, you are going to need the restroom … shall we say … for what it was invented for. After using it, the polite thing to do would be to turn the fan on to make the room usable for the next person … NOT now! So, you either keep the door closed with no air circulation happening at all or you open the door to allow the air to circulate … into the room! Either way is shitty (pun intended)! And these are high end hotels that have been built recently! With all the technology we have, a fan is just too difficult to incorporate into the plans!? If you decide to build a million dollar hotel and somehow forget to put fans in the bathrooms … then the least you could do is supply a little air freshener in the bathroom. No, instead they keep leaving a bunch of useless shit like apricot chia seed hand lotion. Also, the fan was always used as a sound buffer. Can’t do that anymore! Nope! Now, everything is there for the hearing. And to make things even worse, the last few hotels I’ve stayed at have sliding barn door type doors. Sure, they look chic and hip but they are purely a visual separator that don’t keep the bathroom … in the bathroom. What the fuck is going on!? I know we live in an oversharing world … but some things are okay to keep to yourself … like what you do in the restroom.

RedBox Readers

Ever since my beloved MovieTown rental store closed down, I had to find a new place to rent DVD’s. I could stream … but sometimes I just want a DVD that I can pop in the player and not have to worry about buffering issues. So, since movie rental places have gone by the wayside, RedBox was the next best thing … or so I thought. I had seen the kiosks in the grocery store but never paid much attention to them. Once I started using them, I realized there is a new type of person I despise. The person who stands at the kiosk and reads the description of every fucking movie in the machine. Seriously!? If you’re scanning the titles to see what movies are there, I can understand that … but if you are reading the synopsis of the movies, you’re an asshole. Especially if there are people behind you! Step off to the side and go on the internet on your phone if you want to read what every movie is about. They have a website you know! You’re holding up the people who know what movie they want. Honestly, the whole process should take you no longer than 2 minutes. Also, have your fucking credit card out and ready! Don’t dig through your purse looking for it. And so help me God, the asshole parent that let’s their little Timmy press all the buttons so HE can rent the movie. “Oh no, sweetie. Wrong button. Start over.” Maybe you didn’t know I was behind you? Highly unlikely, since I’ve been aggressively sighing for the last 5 minutes and started mumbling (loud enough for you to hear me) “Are you fucking serious, right now!? Pick a fucking movie already!” It blows me away how oblivious and self-important people have become.

Inconsiderate Homeless People

Now before you start freaking out and judging me with your socially brainwashed response about how we can’t say anything negative about the homeless … just hear me out. Yeah, it sucks if you are homeless. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck finding employment and putting a roof over your head. No one should have to live like that … BUT … just because you don’t have a street address to go home to every night, does not automatically give you a license to be an inconsiderate asshole. You can still be courteous to everybody around you and let people go about their business. Numerous times I have been in the left turn lane and a homeless person is camping out on the median, sprawled out into the left turn lane … their belongings stacked against the curb … IN the lane. When I pull up, I have to pull over slightly in the other lane, so as not to run over their arms or legs. What the hell are they doing there anyway and why aren’t the police moving them! That’s a great place to set up shop … a 2 foot wide piece of concrete between opposing directions of cars going 40-50 mph! I’m having a hard enough time trying to avoid all the assholes swerving into my lane because they are watching a fucking YouTube video WHILE they are driving … now, I have to try not to run over homeless people in a fucking car lane!? I try to be courteous to homeless people and give them money when they ask but how come they don’t have to show me respect and stay out of my way!? Obviously, I can’t expect this from the bat-shit crazy guy yelling at the sky, shadow boxing … but not all of them are bat-shit crazy. I know, I know. I’m so insensitive. But if someone who owned a house did the same thing, you wouldn’t feel sorry for them … you would just think they were an asshole. Just because this person doesn’t have a house in a suburb, doesn’t excuse them from treating other people with respect. Homeless people are getting increasingly confrontational and angry towards people everywhere. I’m sorry you’re in that situation but I had nothing to do with it! I’m just trying to get through my day … staying out of people’s way … is that too much to ask for from you?