No Separator on Conveyor Belt

I’ve never had this happen to me before … until today. I put my groceries on the conveyor belt and moved forward to the PDQ terminal to run my ATM card. I’m watching the screen, making sure everything gets rung up correctly. Matching what’s scanned to what comes up on the screen. I see the cashier get to … what I remember … was the last thing I had in my cluster of groceries. Then I look down and she’s ringing up things I didn’t get! I quickly look down to see there is a whole conveyor full of groceries. I quickly tell her that those are not my items. I look back down to the conveyor and the people behind me did not put down a separator! They didn’t even put a space between my groceries and theirs. What kind of maniacs do that!? There are unwritten rules of the conveyor belt! Your groceries should never touch my groceries! If the store does not have a separator then it’s required to leave a space between my groceries and yours. Everybody knows that!

What are these losers doing!? They didn’t even move or motion to let the cashier know that those are their groceries. What did they think was going to happen!? What was their end game!? Did they think I would pay for their groceries and then hit me up in the parking lot? What’s wrong with these people? No, “Oh! Sorry.” … or anything. And it’s not like they were conversing and not paying attention. They saw what was happening! And people wonder why I am the way I am. It’s a dog eat dog world out there! People will take advantage of you given the chance… and apparently their is no reprieve at the grocery store either!

A National Day for Everything

Mother’s Day … sure.
Father’s Day … sure.
Memorial Day … absolutely.

But do we really need a National Day for every fucking thing in the world!? Apparently there are close to 1500 National Days. What calendar are we using!? The calendar I’m using only has 365 days. We have so many “important” things to celebrate … we have to celebrate 4 a day if we average them out! Get the fuck out of here! Who’s making this shit up!? I checked and multiple websites have different things on different days. There’s no definitive source! Apparently you pull any idea out of your ass and … Voila! … it’s a National Day! Are there that many people so desperate to relate to others?

“You know Lima Beans don’t get enough attention. Let’s make a National Day for them so we can draw attention to the plight of this poor legume! Let’s call it National Lima Bean Respect Day. Let’s do it on April 20th!”

If you don’t believe me … look it up! www.nationaldaycalendar.com

Maybe the reason the world is going to Hell in a handbasket is because people are more focused on celebrating National Answer Your Cat’s Question Day (I’m not shitting you! www.nationalday.com [January 22nd] … look for yourself). No one’s focusing on real problems. Then again … if you’re trying to talk with your cat … there is no way you’re solving any problems in this world. Shit, you ARE the problem … you fucking nut job!

Here’s a few more of them that you definitely don’t want to miss:

January 14 – National Dress Up Your Pet Day (apparently the crazy pet owners decided to make this every day!)
February 24 – National Tortilla Chip Day (Shit, why not!?)
March 18 – National Awkward Moments Day (that’s most days for people subscribing to this shit)
April 18 – National High-Five Day (Yeah … I’m not doing that)
May 4 – National Star Wars Day (Nerds of the world unite!)
June 21 – National Selfie Day (Sorry Maniscalco, there’s a LOT of lonely people in this world apparently)
July 5 – National Bikini Day (well … maybe I can get behind this one!)
August 16 – National Tell A Joke Day (I’ll help you out with this one. Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.)

September 19 – National Talk Like A Pirate Day (This is the worst one!)
October 11 – National Coming Out Day (this is also National Sausage Pizza Day and there’s a joke there somewhere … I’ll let you figure it out!)
November 5 – National Redhead Day (well … gingers don’t have much else to celebrate)
December 3 – National Disability Day (do your part and help a cripple)

This is just a small sample of the insanity. Go ahead, look it up and see what other days wackos are celebrating. Apparently it’s easy enough to make a National Day, so go ahead and make one up and let me know when to celebrate it! Personally … I’m waiting for October 13th. Burn ’em!

Artisan Hamburgers

The whole point of a hamburger is to be able to pick it up and eat it on the go. These hamburgers that come out 15 inches tall with a knife holding them together are an abomination! I know all the foodies are getting pissed, looking down their pretentious noses at me thinking I don’t know anything about fine cuisine. Fuck you hipster! Go take a picture of you’re $35 hamburger and post it on whatever social media you troll on. Hamburgers are not meant to be eaten with a knife and fork! If you’re eating a hamburger with a fork … it’s called meatloaf!

When did this become a thing!? Is this like a mid-life crisis for chefs? Instead of going out and buying a Corvette they just make their burgers gigantic to compensate for their small dicks? There is nobody that enjoys opening their mouth like a python to take a bite out of a hamburger. If you say that you’re okay with it … you’re just lying. I get that all those different flavors can be amazing on the palate but once it starts getting to the point that you can’t fit it in your mouth … just stop! You can make an amazing burger at normal size … case in point: In-N-Out. They’ve built a $1.3 billion business on burgers … and they’re not 15 inches tall!

Yeah, it looks delicious … but who can fit that in their mouth!?

Store Inventory

Technology is great! In the last century the advances witnessed by the human race are nearly immeasurable. Computers have changed our lives … sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. As far as store inventory goes … in many cases, it’s the latter. Many companies now put their inventory on their websites for consumers to check if they have an item before going to get it! We trust this to be true … well … because it’s on their website and they wouldn’t put it there if it wasn’t accurate. So I get in my car and go down there … only to be told by the half baked store worker “Oh, sorry man! I guess we don’t have it.”

Now being the easy going person that I am, the first time this happened … I accepted it as a simple mistake. I mumbled a few things under my breath as I walked away irritated … but mistakes happen. The second and third time this occurred, I became … let’s say … a little less tolerant. Now, I show the employee … on their own website … that it states they have it. “Yeah, those things are never right.”

Then why the FUCK do you have it on your website!?

Next time, figuring I could beat the system, I went old school and called to speak to a person and have them check to see if they have the item before I come get it. “Yes. We have 2.” Great! I get in my car, go down to the store, look on the shelf … not there! I find the employee and ask him where the item is and this is the conversation:

Clerk: “Hmmm, the computer says we have 2. I guess we’re out.”

Me: “But I thought you told me that you had 2?”

Clerk: “I checked the computer and it said we had 2. Sorry, I guess we’re out.”

So wait … I called you to check to see if you have the item … and you checked the computer!? That’s the same fucking thing I can do on my computer, asshole. If I’m calling you, I’m expecting you to go and physically check on the shelf before I drive down here! After entertaining the idea in my head of screaming at the store clerk about how useless he is, I politely ask him if he can check one of the other stores to see if they have it. He gets on the computer and finds the next closest store and inventory says they have 3 in stock. I ask him … as politely as I can through gritted teeth … if he can call the store and have them verify that they have it … before I drive all the way over there. He begrudgingly calls and asks them to physically look on the shelf … per my outrageous request. After waiting for a few minutes (that seem like an eternity) the clerk comes back on the phone and says … wait for it … wait for it … “I don’t see them. We must be out.” How can that be!? The computer says they have 3! If the inventory doesn’t work … don’t fucking have it on the website! No one ever goes and physically checks anymore because they just rely on the inventory in the computer … that they admit is never correct. Makes a lot of fucking sense, right!?

Too Much Butter

I like butter as much as the next guy with clogged arteries … but sometimes restaurants go way overboard! It’s not too bad when they throw a pat of butter on your bread. The butter starts to melt but pretty much stays a hard square. You can use what you like and then move the rest to the side of your plate. But when restaurants use liquid butter to spread on your bagel or toast, they drowned it in butter … and there’s nothing you can do about it!

You can’t grab napkins and try to wipe it off. It’s already soaked through and through. It’s no longer a condiment … it’s the meal with a little bit of bread. Even when I say go light with the butter … it still comes out dripping off the side. Shit! What would it have been like if they didn’t go easy!? It’s even worse when your bread is not brought out immediately and it sits under the heat lamps. It makes toast soggy. Nobody likes soggy toast!

Graffiti on a Hiking Trail

If you spray graffiti on a hiking trail you are the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the face of this earth. I despise anyone who “tags” at all … but to do it out on a hiking trail reaches a new level of depravity. If you’re reading this and you are a “tagger” please close your browser immediately … get in your car … don’t bother with the seat belt … find a bridge and drive your useless fucking ass off it. What is the purpose of tagging a hiking trail!? I know some stupid assholes in gangs “tag” to let the other losers know that this is their shitty territory. If you’re tagging on a hiking trail does that mean this is your trail and I should stay off of it!? Get the fuck out of here!

I didn’t need to know what information was on that sign.

Who the fuck is bringing spray paint with them when they decide to go hiking anyway!? I guess you just put it in your backpack along with the granola bar and Gatorade.

Maybe you thought Mother Nature was doing a shitty job and you could do better?

Oh … that’s definitely art! I’m sure his mom is proud.

When I looked up graffiti, some websites said that it is an outlet for people’s artistic skills. Bullshit! And anybody who thinks that should get in the passenger seat of the tagger’s car mentioned above. It is vandalism … plain and simple. If you have artistic skills … use your bedroom walls as a fucking outlet! NOT on someone else’s property … or a hiking trail! If you do this shit … I hope you die … painfully … today.

No Produce in the Self Checkout Lane

The whole point of the self checkout lane is to speed up the process of checking out. (This eliminates having to stand in line behind the customer who apparently is shopping for the Duggar family and is going to be there for the next three weeks.) If you only have a few items, you walk up to the self checkout, scan the items, insert your card and you’re done. What prevents this from being an efficient process? The asshole who brings fucking fruits and vegetables to the lane. Sure, you can bring them to the line to checkout but should you … NO! To get these items checked out you have to search through pictures 17 levels deep to find your item … and then the machine has to weigh it … then the whole process starts all over again for every piece of produce you have! Go to the fucking cashier lane with that shit!

“But they have little stickers with the scan thing on them.” Yeah … but they never work! And they know that and that’s why they put the pictures of the shit! The sticker is curved around your cucumber so it distorts the lines that the machine reads. So what does the moron in front of me do? He tries to scan it with a twist of his hand thinking this will do the trick. It doesn’t. Then he continues to do the same thing 20 more times, determined that one of these times it will work! And don’t get me started on the dumbshit who tries to read the bar code through the plastic bag! Again, not working … but they’re going to keep trying because they know one of these times it’s going to scan! All the while, I’m starting to boil over on the inside watching this shit … and a long line is forming behind me.

Self checkout lines were created for items that scan and go. All other shit … go to the fucking line with the cashier! Also, don’t get in the self checkout lane with a FULL cart of groceries. All you’re going to do is make the people behind you contemplate if they could murder you and get away with it! There are unwritten rules to using the self checkout machines. If you’re not sure what they are, I’ll tell you next time you’re in front of me fucking everything up for the rest of us!

Air Hand Dryers

I’m sure there are a lot of you out there that are behind the move to air dryers for a multitude of reasons. I’m sure some of which are because they save the environment and it’s more sanitary. Although those reasons may be true, I fucking hate these things! Every time I go into a public restroom and see one of these on the wall … and no paper towels to be found … I have an internal temper tantrum and plan on being in the restroom for the next hour. These things don’t work! How many of you use these only to wipe your hands off on your pants while you walk out? Exactly! These things blow out air for what seems like an eternity and at the end of the cycle your hands are still wet! If you have the time … and the patience … then you stay through another cycle … and another cycle … and another cycle … until your hands are finally dry. I don’t have that kind of time! Paper towels work just fine. And if you’re going to tell me that paper towels are unsanitary … I call bullshit! If you have washed your hands with soap, then your hands are already clean and you are just using the towel to dry them. How is that unsanitary!? The only unsanitary part is when all the disgusting slobs leave their towels on the floor instead of properly disposing of them in the waste basket. That’s unsanitary for the poor guy that has to clean it up … but not for me using them! As far as the “it kills trees to make paper towels” group … 90% of the 74 mills that make paper towels use recycled materials. So relax tree huggers! This is another idea of fixing something that doesn’t need fixing. Not to mention, half of the time you go to use these things, they’re broken and then you have nothing to dry your hands with … well, except your pants.

Wait … I’ll make an amendment … there is one air dryer that I’ve used that is actually amazing. It is the Dyson Airblade. I’ve only seen this in a few places because most of Dyson’s products are on the pricier side. If every place had one of these, I might change my mind.

Potholes on the Road

With the amount of taxes this state applies to gasoline … there should not be a single pothole on our roads! As of July 1st 2019, Californians will be taxed 65 cents PER GALLON of gasoline!

Pause for a moment and let that sink in.

On average, Californians consume roughly 14 billion gallons of gasoline annually. Taxing that amount by 65 cents per gallon yields $9.1 billion in revenue. California gets $6.5 billion of that amount … every year … to be spent on road maintenance. These streets should be covered in gold for Christ’s sake with the amount of money we’re taxed … yet EVERY road I drive on needs repair. Where is all the fucking money going!? I’ll tell you where it’s going! It’s the criminal legislature stealing the money from the gasoline tax to put into the general fund for stupid shit. Those taxes initially were intended towards maintaining the roads … nothing else. Now, it’s become common place for the government to use the money for something else and then complain they don’t have enough money to fix the roads. WHAT!? I’m at a loss how the assholes in Sacramento can do this shit and people aren’t rioting in the streets! Oh yeah, people are too busy watching cat videos to get upset about anything that matters. I have a coronary every time I pull into the gas station and see the prices. Then, I have to dodge potholes while leaving the gas station which just reminds me how bad I’m getting fucked. Every fill up should come with a packet of Astroglide! And don’t tell me to start taking public transportation so there’s not so many cars damaging the roads. Fuck off! I like my car and the freedom it provides and I don’t think I should be made to feel guilty about that! If you’re in the State Government, YOU should feel guilty for the piss poor job you’re doing with OUR funds! Take your pet projects and social engineering and shove it up your ass! Fix the roads that we ALL use every day … going to work … creating more tax money … for you assholes to waste!

The Government’s lack of action on fixing the potholes is such a joke that Domino’s Pizza started filling potholes as a marketing campaign. Hey Government! A pizza chain is doing your job! What the fuck!?