Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready

At the risk of sounding like our grandparents with the “I remember when …” statement … I simply can’t avoid it. I remember when you could go into a Little Caesar’s Pizza and the $5 pizzas were Hot-N-Ready and you could walk out with one in a few minutes. NOW … the only ones they have ready are the $6 pizzas that have extra cheese and pepperoni. If you want a $5 pizza, you have to order it and wait 15 minutes. I don’t want the extra fucking cheese and pepperoni … and I don’t want to pay the extra $1. Go ahead … call me cheap. I wear it as a badge of honor. Why the hell did they have to go and change this!? Everybody always feels the need to change things. Some things are fine just the way they are!

Remember Coca-Cola changing their recipe? That didn’t quite go the way they anticipated, did it!? What did it last … 3 months and then they brought it back as Coke Classic. Pepsi was too stupid to learn from Coca-Cola’s mistake, so they tried Crystal Pepsi. It was dead in a year. The point I’m making is there are certain things that are just Americana and people don’t want them changing. I believe Little Caesar’s falls into that category … so be careful with the changes David. I’m just saying … you don’t want to have what happened to Coke and Pepsi happen to you.

So … with my pet peeve stated and out of the way … I do have to admit that the business side of me does admire their business acumen. They were able to raise their prices without raising their prices. They created a “new” pizza (ExtraMostBestest) that is basically the same (albeit a little more cheese and pepperoni but probably only pennies more to make) and charge more. They kept the $5 pizza on the menu but make you order it knowing that we are ALL way too fucking impatient … so we’ll just get whatever pizza is ready.

“It’s a dollar more? Fine! Fuck it … I don’t want to wait!”

Shit! I hate it when my pet peeves intersect with my respect for someone’s cleverness. Nice move Mr. Scrivano … but I still want my $5 pizza ready when I walk in.

Dad, Don’t Call Your Son Honey

I guess I’m not “hip” or “with the times.” You can guess by the descriptive terms I’ve just used I’ve proven myself to be aged out of the current societal trends and popular vernacular that the current, younger generation uses. In layman’s terms: I’m old. I don’t remember when it happened and I didn’t even realize it when it was happening … but it happened. So maybe I’m from a different generation or out of touch and it’s become accepted now for dads to call their sons “honey” … but to me it’s just weird! Honey is a term reserved for dads to call their daughters, moms to call their sons … even wives to call their husbands … but dads to their boys!?

Apparently, masculine toxicity (whatever the fuck that is!?) is a bad thing now and boys need to grow up to be more sensitive. As a society … sorry to say … we are raising our sons to become pussies. News flash! The world is a cruel place. The world doesn’t care if your feelings are hurt. The world doesn’t give you time to retreat to a safe space and cry through your feelings. As a male, you need to grow a thick skin and be able to deal with unpleasant things and assert yourself. Whether you like this or not is irrelevant! That is the world we live in.

Now before you start looking for the comments button to tell me what an asshole I am with an outdated, neanderthal mindset … just hear me out!

You can raise your kids however you want. That’s the great thing about America … Freedom! If you want to raise your sons to be sensitive … that’s your right! If you want to raise your sons to be in touch with their feelings and have a good cry … that’s your right too! If you want to raise your sons to be non-binary (I personally don’t buy into that stupid shit … but whatever) … that is your right! BUT … your son is going to have to interact with other boys who may not have been raised that way.

As an adult, you are well aware of how cruel kids can be! No parent wants their kids teased but if dad is dropping him off at school and says “Have a good day, honey” and his classmates hear … he is going to be teased. You can think the other kids are little pricks for doing that. You can think the other kids have terrible parents for not teaching them better. None of that is going to change the fact that your son is going to get teased.

I know, I know … Fuck you! I can call my son whatever endearing name I want to! Go ahead … I’m not telling you that you can’t … but think of how it’s going to affect your son. Is it going to cause him problems? Probably. I wish that weren’t the case … but I think it is. Maybe it’s not the case. Maybe I’m just an old man that doesn’t understand the way things are now but there are so many other names you could call him: buddy, pal, Bubba, dude, little man, champ, sport, chief, fella, boss, slugger, son. Any of these other terms of endearment will still show him you love him … but won’t get his ass beat!

Send your hate mail to comments@todayspetpeeve.com. I’ll be waiting.

Birds and My Clean Car

I don’t keep my car as clean as I’d like to. There is a neighbor down the street that is out washing his car almost every weekend. I’m jealous of his dedication. I wish I had that kind of energy and motivation … but I’m just too lazy. It’s just easier to look at my car and say “Ehh, it’s clean enough.” PLUS … it seems whenever I wash my car … within hours some fucking bird has taken the biggest shit I’ve ever seen on my newly washed car!

What the fuck?! When my car is dirty it rarely becomes the target of some birds anal fury but as soon as I wash it … BOOM! Are birds that smart? Doubt it. Are they vindictive little pricks? Seems like it! I believe they are attracted to shiny things. In my scientific research (i.e. googling it), I found this information:

“… the attraction some species of bird hold for shiny objects, such as jewelry. This attraction can lead birds to enter a house or even try to steal a shiny object. Birds may desire these objects to attract mates, or to decorate their nests to help visiting females feel more comfortable .”

Apparently, humans aren’t the only species with gold diggers! Just kidding ladies! Relax … don’t hit me with your $2000 Louis Vuitton purse. Sorry, as I was saying … it never fails that when my car is clean, it is inevitable that a bird is going to litter my car with shit!

This leads me to believe that I should not wash my car very often. It seems logical. I’m not saying to let it become so dirty that some douchebag feels the need to write “Wash Me!” on the windshield (I can’t stand that!) but keeping it clean constantly and getting shit on is just inviting aggravation into my life! So when you see me and my car is dirty, just know that I wanted to wash it … but I couldn’t. Also, when you see me hit a bird with my car and laugh, don’t get pissed, I’m just trying to even the score … and I’m way behind.

No Stopping Any Time

I can’t stand the hypocrisy! There is a sign right there that says “No Stopping Any Time” but because it has to do with moving tourists around … we’ll look the other way. There’s even a cop in the turn lane (out of the frame) and he does nothing! This is not a one time incident! This is the turn lane that I need to go to work and this mother-fucker blocks it almost daily. And he’s not dropping people off and quickly moving along. No! This asshole sits there waiting for hotel guests to get down to the bus. Sometimes as long as 5 minutes! If I decided to stop right there and wait for someone I was picking up at the hotel, I can almost guarantee I would get ticketed!

Why won’t they make this asshole pull into the hotel’s parking lot to pick up Billy Bob, Dixie and their gaggle of kids. I’ll tell you why! They don’t want to disrupt anything that’s going to bring people to the Happiest Place on Earth to spend their hard earned cash. This might stem the flow of tax dollars to the city. Well it’s a major inconvenience for me since I need to make that turn!

Passing by, I see the hotel has a carport that probably isn’t tall enough for the bus to fit through and the bus would have a hard time turning around in it’s small parking lot. Guess what? Not my fucking problem! The hotel can pony up and raise their carport to accommodate the bus. If the bus can’t turn around in the parking lot … then figure something else out! It should not be able to blatantly disregard street signs that everybody else has to obey. It’s an inconvenience to everyone going to work … but that’s okay because they’re taking tourists to Disneyland … so rules don’t apply to them!

Empty Bag of Chips

This happens more and more and to tell you the truth I’m getting pretty fucking tired of it. You know when you grab a bag of chips with your sandwich and open it up to find it’s mostly air!

I’m sure all the manufacturing companies will tell you that they need all the nitrogen in the bag to keep it fresh and blah, blah, blah. I think it’s bullshit! They also say it’s to cushion the chips so they don’t get damaged. Sure there may be a smidgen of truth to those excuses but I’m pretty sure they could fit more product in the bag with the nitrogen and have it stay fresh and cushioned just fine! I barely have enough chips to see my sandwich through to the end! And do you think the price of the chips went down? No fucking way! What they should do is be honest with the packaging and label it like this:

Gigantic Rolls of TP

I understand if you want to improve something. You want to make your product better. You want to make it out of … what’s the current feel good term … sustainable products. Go for it! I didn’t realize that the toilet paper business was so competitive and you needed to best your competition … but what do I know!? You can change the way you make it. You can tout how it’s “responsible paper making” and you use recycled paper. You can use a new “green” product that makes it feel like butter on your ass if you want and make it even more biodegradable. Sure … do all you can to make it a better product but stop making the fucking rolls bigger!!

I get the 1-ply to 2-ply thing. The rolls naturally got bigger because of the layers doubling. Nobody wants to use paper that’s nearly transparent. No one I know enjoys the accidental finger poke through … so that change I understood … but this shit is getting out of control now. The companies are in a competition to see who can make the largest roll! I don’t want to have to change out hardware in my bathroom just to accommodate the next generation of toilet paper that’s a 12″ diameter roll.

Mega made the rolls too large! NOW they have Super Mega. What the Fuck!? What’s the next connotation going to be? Super-Duper Mega. What’s after that? Colossal-Super-Duper Mega? Is the traditional holder going to move from the wall to a stand alone piece of furniture in the bathroom!?

As much as I believe in the free market idea we need to have a Toilet Paper Consortium created to get this wayward trend under control! Now it’s getting harder and harder to find “normal” sized rolls because the toilet paper companies only want to sell the larger sized rolls! I don’t think I should have to change out my holder to accommodate this trend. I have enough other shit that needs to be done on my house! Why is this even a thing!? Are we that lazy that we don’t want to have to change the roll out more than once a month? Are people that full of shit? Forget that question … I know the answer. Everybody else seems to be okay with this trend. I must be alone on this one. I guess I’ll have to start shopping for a new fucking toilet paper holder tomorrow.

False Racism

A racist is someone who does something solely based upon a person’s race. An example of this would be whites in the south during the Jim Crow era who attacked blacks for no other reason than their skin color. Another example of this would be the creation of the channel BET. Or the organization La Raza. Yeah! I’m going there! These organizations are racist because they exist solely to focus on interests of a specific race. By definition that’s racist! Yet … when the term racist is used it’s almost always meant to describe white males and ignores all other forms of racism.

Let’s cut the shit! You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say you want to be equal and then have a channel that predominately shows black actors in most of it’s televised line-up. Sure there’s some white people sprinkled in there so they can claim they’re not solely a channel for black people but the same argument can be used for the Oscars if you want to go there. Sure, the Oscars may be predominately white but there have been some black actors who have won. So fuck off with your hypocritical bullshit! You want “equality” but you want to keep separation. Going on the BET website today I found an article about Pete Buttigieg on the Black Vote. Isn’t the “Black Vote” an inherently racist idea!? Why is no one calling this racist?

How is this any different from white pride?

Then we’ve got La Raza. I’ve heard the explanations that it doesn’t mean the race, it means the community. Oh yeah? Last I checked it literally translates THE RACE. If it’s not meant to connotate that Hispanics are a superior race then why did Eliezer Risco start a paper called La Raza in the late 1960’s to promote the Brown Power movement. Not oppressed laborers of all races … just the Hispanics. You’re right. That doesn’t sound racist at all. You put “Be White & Be Proud” on that banner above and suddenly it becomes unacceptable.

Racists exist in ALL races but society predominantly associates it with the white male. When you see people marching in the streets with white pride banners it’s an atrocity but people marching above with brown pride banners … totally okay. How the fuck is that!? You can’t be a hypocrite! Either you believe we are all the same and there shouldn’t be any special channels, clubs, parades, etc. or you are okay with every race celebrating it’s own unique heritage and all can celebrate equally!

Now that I’ve hopefully convinced you everyone is equally racist, this leads me to my point. I’m fucking tired of the term being hi-jacked and turned into something it’s not by social activists who can’t get enough people to support their cause on it’s own merits. They scream racism about anyone who opposes them and that’s a bullshit argument! Then because of the fucked up political correctness, that’s infected our society, people don’t oppose these loud mouthed mother-fuckers for fear of being labeled a racist! You can’t have a rational conversation proving your objections are not racist with a person hell bent on a cause. They will scream at you and call you whatever name they can to silence you. Racist seems to be the go to term.

By politicizing racism and using the term as political warfare it takes away from what racism really is and labels people unjustly who simply disagree with a point of view. What happened to people being able to debate? Oh yeah! People don’t want to be shown that their point of view may be incorrect or misguided. They don’t participate in that anymore and just scream racism if somebody starts to put holes in their arguments. Then the media picks it up and runs with it because racism gets everybody’s blood boiling because they’ve been trained like Pavlovian dog’s that racism is bad! That’s not the case though … is it? BET is okay. La Raza is okay. Only white racism is bad. How about you stop the fucking hypocrisy and level the playing field. Either it’s okay everywhere or it’s abhorrent on it’s face. And most of all … stop distorting it and using it incorrectly for political purposes!

Public Dog Defecation

I’m not sure if the culture has changed or something in me has changed and now I’m just noticing things I didn’t notice before. Hmmm … I’m going to go with the culture because I don’t remember the whacked out crazy pet people being so prevalent when I was a kid. When I was a kid people had dogs and they stayed at home to protect the residence. They didn’t fit in a purse. They slept outside (and survived). They ate dry dog food … and they shit in the owner’s backyard.

Well, now I can’t go a week without seeing someone’s dog taking a shit on the grass by the curb while I drive to work! I don’t want to see Spot pushing out a log right after I’ve eaten breakfast. What the fuck is wrong with people these days!? People walk out the door with their dog, a baggy and the intention to have their dog shit while they stand next to it. Then they pick up the hot, steamy pile of dog shit with their hand and bring it with them for the rest of their walk.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am grateful that people pick up their dog’s shit rather than just leaving it there … but can’t you train your dog to shit at home with only an occasional oops when he’s out? I cleaned up after my dog for 10 years until he died and cleaning up his shit in my backyard was one of my least favorite things … and I let the sun dry it out before I picked it up. Any that weren’t dried out … waited for next trash pick up. Now I constantly see people standing next to their dog, holding the leash talking with their friend while the dog takes a deuce. Then, just as a matter of fact, they reach down with a baggy and pick it up and keep walking … hot, steamy shitbag in hand. Fucking gross!

I don’t know. Maybe I have an unusual aversion to feces that most people don’t. I just don’t think it’s normal to stand there while your dog takes a shit. I don’t think you need to have it on parade for everyone to watch either. No one enjoys watching this. Let’s move the dog’s business back to the backyard … where it belongs!

Wide Turns

You know when you are coming up on an intersection and the person turning all of a sudden veers into your lane to make their turn nearly sideswiping you. For whatever reason, suddenly they feel like they are driving an 18 wheeler that just won’t make it around the turn without taking a wide path. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me and thus far, by the grace of God, nobody has hit my car. I recall a few times that the other car was within inches … but luckily no contact was made. I feel the worst part about this occurrence though is the inability to interact with the offending party and convey your thoughts to them about what assholes they are since they are turning and aren’t looking in your direction when it occurs.

By the time you’ve passed their car and gotten your car steady enough to take your hand off the wheel to flip them off, they are going in another direction and don’t get the full extent of your anger. Nine times out of ten, the offending party doesn’t even have an idea what just occurred leaving you in a rage that gets directed at no one. They are clueless that they almost got in an accident because they are oblivious … or they are busy texting or possibly watching a movie (yes, I’ve witnessed this!). People are living in their own little worlds lately and have become clueless to what is going on around them! I never completely understood the term “drive defensively” but I think I’ve finally come to understand what it means. It basically means assume everybody can’t drive worth a shit and are going to hit your car at any given moment … so be prepared.

Under Lock and Key

I understand as a business you have to protect yourself from theft. Increasingly there seems to be more and more losers who don’t think twice about stealing things. (I think it’s because they have no fear of being prosecuted due to the fucked up legal system of this state … but I don’t want to get off topic … so we’ll save that for another time.) And any of you that want to try and justify it with the wealth inequality shit … don’t. Regardless of how much money you have or don’t have … stealing is wrong.

As far back as I can remember, all the expensive items have always been behind a counter or locked up in a case because you just can’t seem to trust your fellow man. And before you start spouting off about how you don’t feel that way and you trust your fellow man … do you lock your door at night when you sleep? That’s what I thought … so shut the fuck up.

These days everything seems to be locked up! It’s not just the expensive shit. Case in point. One morning I noticed that my brake fluid was low. I wanted to take care of this before I went to work … so I begrudgingly resolved myself to going to Walmart since the auto parts store doesn’t open that early. I figured “It’s brake fluid. They won’t have that locked up.” That would be a poor assumption!

Now even auto supplies are locked up in a cabinet! This isn’t a $600 camera or expensive jewelry. It’s $1.98 brake fluid! Apparently, I need to start looking for another place to live! If they can’t even leave a $2 product out in the open for fear of theft, things are worse off in my neighborhood than I thought!

I’m here though and my truck needs brake fluid. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I know it’s early but there are employees stocking shelves. I track one down and ask them if they can open the case for me so I can get my brake fluid and go. Can you guess what his response is going to be? I’m sure you can!

“Oh, I don’t have keys to that … let me find the guy who does.”

Of course! Why the fuck would you give your employees keys to the case to help your customers out!? After he strolls off and I take some deep breaths, I tell myself that maybe he’s a new employee and he hasn’t yet reached the gilded status to wield the sacred case keys. I wait a couple minutes and figure at the pace he walked away from me … it’s gonna be a couple hours before he even reaches somebody else. Since the clock is ticking until I have to go to work (and I’m really fucking impatient) I search for another employee who hopefully can be more help. After tracking another one down, I ask him if he has keys to get into the case. Guess what he says?

“Oh …. noooo, I don’t. Let me find someone who does bro.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! He slowly walks off with the promise to find the Manager who has the keys. I wait impatiently, weighing in my head how important the brake fluid is … and how big a dick I’m going to be if someone ever shows up with the keys! I asked 3 more employees and got the same fucking response from all of them. Does anybody in this fucking store have keys to this case!? If this wasn’t my life … I would have sworn I was on Kutcher’s Punk’d! After waiting 13 minutes (no exaggeration) I said fuck it and left … but not before making some passive-aggressive comment about wondering where the fuck the Manager had to come from to the poor guy just showing up for his shift.

If you are a business and are going to lock your merchandise up … then have a fucking employee nearby that can open the damn case! I understand if one employee can’t be trusted with the keys (for whatever reason) but I asked 5 fucking employees and none of them had keys to open this case! And where the FUCK is the Manager they all said they were going to get!? There’s hardly any customers in the store. He can’t be that busy! Put your coffee down and get your ass over to the case mother-fucker and unlock it for me. Is customer service an antiquated idea that has fallen by the wayside? Was I expecting too much!? I don’t know … maybe I just have unrealistic expectations.