The whole point of a hamburger is to be able to pick it up and eat it on the go. These hamburgers that come out 15 inches tall with a knife holding them together are an abomination! I know all the foodies are getting pissed, looking down their pretentious noses at me thinking I don’t know anything about fine cuisine. Fuck you hipster! Go take a picture of you’re $35 hamburger and post it on whatever social media you troll on. Hamburgers are not meant to be eaten with a knife and fork! If you’re eating a hamburger with a fork … it’s called meatloaf!
When did this become a thing!? Is this like a mid-life crisis for chefs? Instead of going out and buying a Corvette they just make their burgers gigantic to compensate for their small dicks? There is nobody that enjoys opening their mouth like a python to take a bite out of a hamburger. If you say that you’re okay with it … you’re just lying. I get that all those different flavors can be amazing on the palate but once it starts getting to the point that you can’t fit it in your mouth … just stop! You can make an amazing burger at normal size … case in point: In-N-Out. They’ve built a $1.3 billion business on burgers … and they’re not 15 inches tall!
Yeah, it looks delicious … but who can fit that in their mouth!?
Technology is great! In the last century the advances witnessed by the human race are nearly immeasurable. Computers have changed our lives … sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. As far as store inventory goes … in many cases, it’s the latter. Many companies now put their inventory on their websites for consumers to check if they have an item before going to get it! We trust this to be true … well … because it’s on their website and they wouldn’t put it there if it wasn’t accurate. So I get in my car and go down there … only to be told by the half baked store worker “Oh, sorry man! I guess we don’t have it.”
Now being the easy going person that I am, the first time this happened … I accepted it as a simple mistake. I mumbled a few things under my breath as I walked away irritated … but mistakes happen. The second and third time this occurred, I became … let’s say … a little less tolerant. Now, I show the employee … on their own website … that it states they have it. “Yeah, those things are never right.”
Then why the FUCK do you have it on your website!?
Next time, figuring I could beat the system, I went old school and called to speak to a person and have them check to see if they have the item before I come get it. “Yes. We have 2.” Great! I get in my car, go down to the store, look on the shelf … not there! I find the employee and ask him where the item is and this is the conversation:
Clerk: “Hmmm, the computer says we have 2. I guess we’re out.”
Me: “But I thought you told me that you had 2?”
Clerk: “I checked the computer and it said we had 2. Sorry, I guess we’re out.”
So wait … I called you to check to see if you have the item … and you checked the computer!? That’s the same fucking thing I can do on my computer, asshole. If I’m calling you, I’m expecting you to go and physically check on the shelf before I drive down here! After entertaining the idea in my head of screaming at the store clerk about how useless he is, I politely ask him if he can check one of the other stores to see if they have it. He gets on the computer and finds the next closest store and inventory says they have 3 in stock. I ask him … as politely as I can through gritted teeth … if he can call the store and have them verify that they have it … before I drive all the way over there. He begrudgingly calls and asks them to physically look on the shelf … per my outrageous request. After waiting for a few minutes (that seem like an eternity) the clerk comes back on the phone and says … wait for it … wait for it … “I don’t see them. We must be out.” How can that be!? The computer says they have 3! If the inventory doesn’t work … don’t fucking have it on the website! No one ever goes and physically checks anymore because they just rely on the inventory in the computer … that they admit is never correct. Makes a lot of fucking sense, right!?
I like butter as much as the next guy with clogged arteries … but sometimes restaurants go way overboard! It’s not too bad when they throw a pat of butter on your bread. The butter starts to melt but pretty much stays a hard square. You can use what you like and then move the rest to the side of your plate. But when restaurants use liquid butter to spread on your bagel or toast, they drowned it in butter … and there’s nothing you can do about it!
You can’t grab napkins and try to wipe it off. It’s already soaked through and through. It’s no longer a condiment … it’s the meal with a little bit of bread. Even when I say go light with the butter … it still comes out dripping off the side. Shit! What would it have been like if they didn’t go easy!? It’s even worse when your bread is not brought out immediately and it sits under the heat lamps. It makes toast soggy. Nobody likes soggy toast!
I don’t remember exactly when this became a “thing” … but it’s annoying as fuck! If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, it’s when someone carries on their phone conversation using the SPEAKERPHONE on their cell phone in a public place … when they are ALONE! First of all, why would you want everybody in the vicinity hearing your conversation. (Oh, that’s right … everybody thinks they are sooooo fucking important). Second of all, it’s obnoxious! I don’t need to hear you drone on to your girlfriend about how nobody at work appreciates what you do and Becky got the promotion and she doesn’t even do anything all day! Shut the fuck up! As far as I know, a phone can still be held up to the ear and you can hear the person through the earpiece … and then I don’t have to be bored with all the mundane facts of your miserable, pointless existence. And it cracks me up how these people will hold the phone right in front of their mouth so that the person can hear them talk and then when the other person starts talking they move the phone up to their ear so they can hear. If you just hold the phone the way it’s SUPPOSED to be held, you don’t have to keep moving it back and forth. It will actually allow you to speak and hear while keeping it in one position!! The speakerphone was made so that when there are multiple people in the room everybody can hear the conversation … that you have in a PRIVATE place … like your house … not walking up and down the aisles in the grocery store!
Except for this current year, living in Southern California we are always scolded about using too much water and we must conserve, conserve, conserve. Ok, I get it we live in a desert and don’t get much rain … so water is valuable. Why is it then, that when we DO have our periods of rain that it all just washes away!? I drive over the Santa Ana River bed daily and it’s overflowing with water going where? The ocean! Why in the hell are we not collecting all that water into holding tanks to use when … I don’t know … we are in a drought! Then to top it off, a day after the rain, all the reporters are down at the beach talking about how much debris has washed up on the beaches and it’s so sad that our beaches look like this. What the fuck did you expect when all roads lead out to the ocean!? Government officials are weighing the benefits or harms of desalinization. Hey guys, why don’t you focus on catching all the fucking water falling right out of the sky!
In what fucking world does it make sense to close the middle lane of a major street at 7:30am when everyone is trying to get to work!? I realize that there is no real great time to close down a street to make repairs but during the busiest time seems absurd to me. I’ve driven by work sites at night that have flood lights that are brighter than the damn sun … so I know this shit can be done at night when less people will be inconvenienced. I understand that an emergency can pop up and there is no other option but we both know damn well 85% of the time it could wait. If there is literal shit coming up from the manholes … then fine, fix it. I’ll understand why I’m being inconvenienced (maybe). Otherwise it’s not an emergency! And to add to my frustration, when I finally pass by (30 minutes later) … there are 3 fuckers just standing there looking at the ground … doing nothing! Look guys, at least look like your doing something when I pass you by so I don’t have the urge to roll down my window and yell something that would probably get me thrown in jail! It seems like common sense to me but as I’ve grown to learn there is no such thing as common sense anymore!
Let me preface this by saying that I love the idea of Costco and the things that they sell. The issue I have is all the fuckin’ samples that they now have at the end of every aisle! I get the idea behind it as a business that’s promoting what they’re selling but as a customer it drives me up the wall! The masses huddle around this little make shift table so they can stuff their fat little faces with free food … and they don’t care what it is. It could be a turd on a cracker and they’ll try it! It’s not like they happen to be walking by and see a sample, grab one and keep moving. NO! These assholes will just detach from their carts like brain dead zombies and walk towards the samples … leaving their cart in the middle of the aisle completely oblivious to the fact that I’m behind them and their cart is now in my fuckin’ way. And Lord forbid if the little snack isn’t ready, they’ll just stand there for 5 minutes and wait until the little machine dings with the next batch. They start salivating like Pavlovian dogs waiting for the little old lady to start serving them up. It’s all I can do not to scream at the top of my lungs at every single one of these inconsiderate assholes. There have been many carts that I have just started ramming and pushing down the aisle. They don’t even notice half the time because they can’t break eye contact from the food on the table. They’ll cut right in front of Grandma with the walker and not give two shits! If you are one of these people, I despise you with every part of my being!
If you are easily offended … you should probably leave now.
I’m not politically correct and undoubtedly I WILL say some offensive things. If you are easily offended this is not a place for you. If you have a thick skin and can take a joke, stick around and I’ll try to make you laugh as often as I can and share all the little things that piss me off … and probably piss you off too.
TodaysPetPeeve 