I’m not talking about the obvious when you’re in a movie theater. That should be a given by now. What I’m talking about is when someone is having a conversation with you and their phone starts going off and they make no movement to silence it. I’m not talking about a beep from a text or a chime from some app. No … what I’m talking about is when someone is calling them and they just let their ringtone play. Of course it’s always the most obnoxious ringtone you’ve ever heard … and it lasts for what seems like an eternity.
Now … you might be saying:
“But they don’t want to be rude and interrupt when you’re talking.”
I can understand that … in theory … but if your fucking phone is ringing at top volume while we are conversing, I’m already interrupted and can’t even think straight anymore. The words coming out of my mouth at this point are jumbled and not making any sense because they are the remnants of my last thought before it shifted to “Aren’t you going to shut that fucking thing off!?”
The flip side of that is when they are speaking and their phone starts going off. They ignore it and act like nothing is happening and talk right through it. Although they may be tone deaf to it … it’s all I hear NOW! I see lips moving but all I hear is an annoying ringtone. You would think by the look on my face (which I’m told I don’t hide very well) it would be a clue that I’m not hearing a word you’re saying anymore … but apparently not … because you’re still talking … and it’s still fucking playing!
Grab a fucking clue! Cell phones aren’t new. The etiquette surrounding them is pretty established at this point! If you’re not reaching for your phone to silence it while we’re talking … it says you couldn’t give two shits about me. If that’s the case, I instantly have no respect for you and I won’t hesitate to ask: “Are you deaf … or just an asshole?”
Let’s get this out of the way first. Hate mail goes to email@example.com … when I hurt your delicate sensitivities. Okay, let’s dive in.
First off, I don’t have a problem with someone being gay. If you can find someone in this fucked up world who will put up with your stupid ass and still love you … then go for it … man or woman. And … I don’t think you can fake being gay. I don’t look at guys and feel the same way I feel when I look at women. If I’m being totally honest though … I think you’re cheating the system a little bit if you’re gay. Only because men and women’s brains are SO different in the way they think that by being with the same sex you don’t have to deal with someone who makes decisions that make no fucking sense to you … but you love them anyway.
So, there are women who love men … men who love men … and women who love women. But in these equations … there are men and there are women. There is NO third gender. If you have a tab … you are a man. If you have a slot … you are a woman. What you do with those parts can classify you into a group … but there are no other parts that create another gender!
Pangender. What the fuck is that!? It’s defined as being more than one gender. Okay … that’s what a hermaphrodite is. You’re born with both parts … tab and slot. This is the only person who gets to choose what “they identify as” when asked. But that’s not what pangender means in this world that I’ve found myself living in. Pangender means they consider themselves a member of all genders. Again … if you’ve got both parts then this describes you. If you don’t …
… there are 2 genders: male and female.
Based upon my most current searching there are 81 genders. Come on Facebook! You only list 56 (listed below):
Female to Male
Male to Female
Are you deciding that 25 of them are just making some shit up!? Exactly! This just illustrates my point. Everyday someone is adding new “genders” because the current ones don’t fit them. Seriously!? You don’t fit within one of the 81 groups!? Get the fuck out of here! Everyone these days has to be so unique and different! Get over yourself!
Identifying as Neither!? Get the fuck out of here! Unless you’re a eunuch, you’re falling into one of the two categories: male or female.
Identifying as Two-Spirit!? Get the fuck out of here! Wikipedia defines it as:
The term two-spirit was created in 1990 at the Indigenous lesbian and gay international gathering in Winnipeg, and specifically chosen to distinguish and distance Native American/First Nations people from non-Native peoples.
So now the Indians … (sorry!) … Native Americans … (Fuck!) … indigenous people (being politically correct is so difficult these days) can’t just be gay or lesbian … they have to have their own names for it!? This shit is impossible to keep up with … and ridiculous!
Look! You can “feel” however you want. You can feel like a man even though you have a vagina. Dress in combat boots, buzz your hair and roll a pack of cigarettes in your white T-shirt but let’s all agree that you are still … a woman. On the flip side … you can feel like a woman and wear a garter belt and bra, put on makeup and wear a turtle neck to try to hide your Adam’s Apple but if you have a penis, let’s all agree that you are still … a man. If you want to feel a certain way … knock yourself out … but let’s cut the shit about how you are neither a male or female. Everybody falls into one of those 2 genders based upon what parts you’re sporting. I’ll be waiting for the emails.
Have you ever gone to shake someone’s hand and you get a limp hand that doesn’t squeeze. It’s fucking creepy! The next words out of their mouth could be that I’ve won The Lottery and I wouldn’t hear them because I will still be in that moment aghast at what is happening. I will be putting all my effort into keeping the look of disgust off my face as I look at you. If I’m able to hide the aversion from my face as our hands detach, know that I will commit you and our meeting to memory. You have definitely made a first impression and I will definitely remember you … but not for the reasons you may have hoped.
When shaking hands there is a quick back and forth that happens as each person tries to equally match the squeeze that the other person is giving. It happens in milliseconds and is almost done autonomously. You don’t start heavy handed but you at least have to start with a little bit of a squeeze and then adjust! Some males come in with a bone crushing squeeze …usually to compensate for something they are lacking elsewhere.
They believe by doing this they are establishing they are the Alpha Male … but really it’s to distract you from how insecure they are. These guys are assholes! Obviously when shaking a woman’s hand you wouldn’t apply as much pressure as shaking a man’s hand but you still must give a slight squeeze. Understandably, you don’t want to hurt the woman’s hand but if you give no squeeze at all … the woman will feel the same way I described above … and she will think you’re creepy!
Handshakes are an odd thing. No one ever really talks about them or gives pointers. Your old man should have told you that men always give a firm handshake but until you’ve actually shaken someone’s hand, you’re not really sure how much pressure to apply. To make things even more difficult, everybody applies a different amount of pressure … so every time is different. Upon doing it repeatedly you kind of find your comfort zone and gauge people going in. It’s not an exact science though because sometimes you gauge that a person will have a firm handshake and you get a limp wrist … thus quickly making you the asshole stated above … even though you thought you were coming in “neutral.”
You could have a totally yoked out guy but if he comes in with a limp hand you are going to be thinking “What the fuck!?” and see him as weak (and creepy) … even though he clearly has strength. Thus … proving handshakes are important and we judge people based upon how well they do them. So, if you present a dead, limp hand when shaking hands … start working on it immediately because you are creeping people the fuck out!
At the risk of sounding like our grandparents with the “I remember when …” statement … I simply can’t avoid it. I remember when you could go into a Little Caesar’s Pizza and the $5 pizzas were Hot-N-Ready and you could walk out with one in a few minutes. NOW … the only ones they have ready are the $6 pizzas that have extra cheese and pepperoni. If you want a $5 pizza, you have to order it and wait 15 minutes. I don’t want the extra fucking cheese and pepperoni … and I don’t want to pay the extra $1. Go ahead … call me cheap. I wear it as a badge of honor. Why the hell did they have to go and change this!? Everybody always feels the need to change things. Some things are fine just the way they are!
Remember Coca-Cola changing their recipe? That didn’t quite go the way they anticipated, did it!? What did it last … 3 months and then they brought it back as Coke Classic. Pepsi was too stupid to learn from Coca-Cola’s mistake, so they tried Crystal Pepsi. It was dead in a year. The point I’m making is there are certain things that are just Americana and people don’t want them changing. I believe Little Caesar’s falls into that category … so be careful with the changes David. I’m just saying … you don’t want to have what happened to Coke and Pepsi happen to you.
So … with my pet peeve stated and out of the way … I do have to admit that the business side of me does admire their business acumen. They were able to raise their prices without raising their prices. They created a “new” pizza (ExtraMostBestest) that is basically the same (albeit a little more cheese and pepperoni but probably only pennies more to make) and charge more. They kept the $5 pizza on the menu but make you order it knowing that we are ALLway too fucking impatient … so we’ll just get whatever pizza is ready.
“It’s a dollar more? Fine! Fuck it … I don’t want to wait!”
Shit! I hate it when my pet peeves intersect with my respect for someone’s cleverness. Nice move Mr. Scrivano … but I still want my $5 pizza ready when I walk in.
I guess I’m not “hip” or “with the times.” You can guess by the descriptive terms I’ve just used I’ve proven myself to be aged out of the current societal trends and popular vernacular that the current, younger generation uses. In layman’s terms: I’m old. I don’t remember when it happened and I didn’t even realize it when it was happening … but it happened. So maybe I’m from a different generation or out of touch and it’s become accepted now for dads to call their sons “honey” … but to me it’s just weird! Honey is a term reserved for dads to call their daughters, moms to call their sons … even wives to call their husbands … but dads to their boys!?
Apparently, masculine toxicity (whatever the fuck that is!?) is a bad thing now and boys need to grow up to be more sensitive. As a society … sorry to say … we are raising our sons to become pussies. News flash! The world is a cruel place. The world doesn’t care if your feelings are hurt. The world doesn’t give you time to retreat to a safe space and cry through your feelings. As a male, you need to grow a thick skin and be able to deal with unpleasant things and assert yourself. Whether you like this or not is irrelevant! That is the world we live in.
Now before you start looking for the comments button to tell me what an asshole I am with an outdated, neanderthal mindset … just hear me out!
You can raise your kids however you want. That’s the great thing about America … Freedom! If you want to raise your sons to be sensitive … that’s your right! If you want to raise your sons to be in touch with their feelings and have a good cry … that’s your right too! If you want to raise your sons to be non-binary (I personally don’t buy into that stupid shit … but whatever) … that is your right!BUT … your son is going to have to interact with other boys who may not have been raised that way.
As an adult, you are well aware of how cruel kids can be! No parent wants their kids teased but if dad is dropping him off at school and says “Have a good day, honey” and his classmates hear … he is going to be teased. You can think the other kids are little pricks for doing that. You can think the other kids have terrible parents for not teaching them better. None of that is going to change the fact that your son is going to get teased.
I know, I know … Fuck you! I can call my son whatever endearing name I want to! Go ahead … I’m not telling you that you can’t … but think of how it’s going to affect your son. Is it going to cause him problems? Probably. I wish that weren’t the case … but I think it is. Maybe it’s not the case. Maybe I’m just an old man that doesn’t understand the way things are now but there are so many other names you could call him: buddy, pal, Bubba, dude, little man, champ, sport, chief, fella, boss, slugger, son. Any of these other terms of endearment will still show him you love him … but won’t get his ass beat!
Send your hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ll be waiting.
I don’t keep my car as clean as I’d like to. There is a neighbor down the street that is out washing his car almost every weekend. I’m jealous of his dedication. I wish I had that kind of energy and motivation … but I’m just too lazy. It’s just easier to look at my car and say “Ehh, it’s clean enough.” PLUS … it seems whenever I wash my car … within hours some fucking bird has taken the biggest shit I’ve ever seen on my newly washed car!
What the fuck?! When my car is dirty it rarely becomes the target of some birds anal fury but as soon as I wash it … BOOM! Are birds that smart? Doubt it. Are they vindictive little pricks? Seems like it! I believe they are attracted to shiny things. In my scientific research (i.e. googling it), I found this information:
“… the attraction some species of bird hold for shiny objects, such as jewelry. This attraction can lead birds to enter a house or even try to steal a shiny object. Birds may desire these objects to attract mates, or to decorate their nests to help visiting females feel more comfortable .”
Apparently, humans aren’t the only species with gold diggers! Just kidding ladies! Relax … don’t hit me with your $2000 Louis Vuitton purse. Sorry, as I was saying … it never fails that when my car is clean, it is inevitable that a bird is going to litter my car with shit!
This leads me to believe that I should not wash my car very often. It seems logical. I’m not saying to let it become so dirty that some douchebag feels the need to write “Wash Me!” on the windshield (I can’t stand that!) but keeping it clean constantly and getting shit on is just inviting aggravation into my life! So when you see me and my car is dirty, just know that I wanted to wash it … but I couldn’t. Also, when you see me hit a bird with my car and laugh, don’t get pissed, I’m just trying to even the score … and I’m way behind.
I can’t stand the hypocrisy! There is a sign right there that says “No Stopping Any Time” but because it has to do with moving tourists around … we’ll look the other way. There’s even a cop in the turn lane (out of the frame) and he does nothing! This is not a one time incident! This is the turn lane that I need to go to work and this mother-fucker blocks it almost daily. And he’s not dropping people off and quickly moving along. No! This asshole sits there waiting for hotel guests to get down to the bus. Sometimes as long as 5 minutes! If I decided to stop right there and wait for someone I was picking up at the hotel, I can almost guarantee I would get ticketed!
Why won’t they make this asshole pull into the hotel’s parking lot to pick up Billy Bob, Dixie and their gaggle of kids. I’ll tell you why! They don’t want to disrupt anything that’s going to bring people to the Happiest Place on Earth to spend their hard earned cash. This might stem the flow of tax dollars to the city. Well it’s a major inconvenience for me since I need to make that turn!
Passing by, I see the hotel has a carport that probably isn’t tall enough for the bus to fit through and the bus would have a hard time turning around in it’s small parking lot. Guess what? Not my fucking problem! The hotel can pony up and raise their carport to accommodate the bus. If the bus can’t turn around in the parking lot … then figure something else out! It should not be able to blatantly disregard street signs that everybody else has to obey. It’s an inconvenience to everyone going to work … but that’s okay because they’re taking tourists to Disneyland … so rules don’t apply to them!