I’m not one for superfluous laws but I’m willing to forgo my position on this for what I believe is an important law that needs to be added to the books. I know … I agree there are already way too many laws … and many of them are ridiculous … but I feel this law is needed to curtail a heinous crime that is being committed with very little concern for the well being of others.
My proposed law would be:
If you throw away a banana peel inside an office trash can … you should be eligible for the death penalty.
Okay … I know you’re thinking that may be harsh … but hear me out.
Have you ever come into the office to find that someone has thrown away a banana peel in a trash can by your desk? If so, then you know you will be spending the rest of the day swatting those annoying fruit flies away from your face … ALL … DAY … LONG. (If this has ever happened to you … then I’m confident you are behind me on this one.)
They fly around your mouth, looking for the opportunity to dive bomb you hoping to be inhaled down your throat as you’re breathing. They land on your lips or inside your mouth which causes the instant spit reflex at the idea that you may have just swallowed an insect. You aggressively hack up a lung trying to make sure if it has made its way down your throat you’re able to hack the little fucker up. You feel like you’ve been violated and all you can picture is this thing starting a colony in your stomach. You know logically that your stomach acid will kill it … but we’re not talking about logic here … are we? No. We are talking about unwillingly swallowing a suicidal insect that you had no intention of consuming. Eating insects may be a delicacy in certain parts of the world … but not where I’m from.
If these little annoying pests can’t make it inside your mouth, they’ll buzz around your nose relentlessly trying to find their way inside. If you’ve ever felt an insect fly up your nose, you know you will spend the next 20 minutes holding one nostril closed while violently nose exhaling out the violated side … spreading booger remnants everywhere in an attempt to remove this insect. It’s not a pretty sight but neither is the thought of this thing flying up to your brain and laying eggs. Yeah … irrational, I know … but so is the idea of this insect wanting to get inside you. No matter how hard you exhale, it still feels like it’s wedged up in your nose and you certainly don’t want to start digging around because you know you will only push it straight up to your brain!
If you’re vigilant and are able to keep them out of your mouth and nose … they’ll try and land on your eyeballs. Granted, they can’t get inside your body from your eyeballs but I don’t want these little assholes landing on my eye. You know they just came from a big pile of shit and and I don’t think they stopped along the way to clean their feet.
These things are relentless. You can swat at them with all your might and it never stops them from coming back. The only thing that stops them is actually killing them … and that is next to impossible. And for the “every one of God’s creatures is special” people … Fuck Off!
It obviously wasn’t smart enough to figure out it was pissing me off when I swatted at it … numerous times. If it can’t figure out to leave me alone … then it’s survival of the fittest.
When you swat at these little pests, they are so small that the wind your hand creates moves them before you can ever make contact. It doesn’t take long before you figure out swatting won’t work and start thinking that you’ll crush them between your hands. This fails most of the time also for the same reason previously mentioned. Soon you move to double-clapping in front of your face hoping you can catch them with a quick second clap.
This very rarely works and you start looking like a crazy crack addict clapping in front of your face talking to yourself saying things like “Are you serious!? Get the fuck away from me!” You’re not thinking about how ridiculous you look … you’re only focused on killing this little asshole that’s buzzing your face and won’t leave you alone.
It doesn’t matter if you take the trash can outside. They are already there and they’re not going anywhere. They don’t follow the trash can unfortunately. Their only mission in life now is to find their way into one of your orifices.
These bugs never seem to gravitate towards the asshole that threw out the banana peel. If that were the case then it would simply be a case of karma playing out and you could laugh at him swatting near his face all day long. You would internally verbalize to yourself … “that’s what you get for being so stupid. I guess you won’t do that again!” … but that never happens. The flies never bother the guilty party … they want you!
Usually the guilty party never throws out the peel by their own desk. They’re not stupid! You could be naive and think it was just an innocent mistake but don’t be fooled. Everybody knows that banana peels bring fruit flys. EVERYBODY knows this! The person that commits this crime is a monster.
This is why I think the death penalty should be on the table for this easily avoidable and unforgivable crime. That’s the only way people will take this seriously. If you disagree, feel free to let me know your thoughts at email@example.com … but I’m letting you know now … that convincing me otherwise will be no easy task. Let’s make this happen!