Questions to Dear Abby

My guilty pleasure is reading Dear Abby.

Everyday I anxiously open the newspaper in anticipation of what dilemma someone couldn’t figure out on their own … so they had to get advice on how to handle it.

And to answer your question

  • Yes! I still get the newspaper.
  • Yes! I’m aware you can get the news on the internet.
  • No! I’m not 90 years old.

For anybody that’s been living under a rock … or is under the age of 30 … Dear Abby is an advice column that has been around since 1956. It was created by Pauline Philips under the pen name of Abigail Van Buren. Pauline wrote the column by herself until 1987 at which point her daughter Jeanne started to help. They co-wrote the column until 2002 when Jeanne officially took over due to Pauline unfortunately being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The column is well-known for sound, compassionate advice, delivered with the straightforward style of a good friend using humor, sarcasm and one-liners, in their responses.

I could “fanboy” all day over Dear Abby but you’re not here for that. If you’re reading this you are wondering …

So, where’s the pet peeve?

Well, I assure you it has nothing to do with Abby … No! No! No! … she’s perfect … it has to do with the people that write to her. What trailer park in Alabama are these letters coming from? Some of these people are fucking morons! I’ve written before about how there is no such thing as common sense but these people just keep reinforcing that statement. Sometimes, I honestly ask myself if some of these letters are just made up because nobody could be that stupid! Right? … Right?

This was the letter the other day:

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my husband ran into a second cousin he hadn’t seen in 40 years. They were close for a short time during high school and saw each other a couple times after that. I was not aware until recently that he had looked her up on social media and has been communicating with her every day since then. I didn’t think much of it when he did tell me — until one night when he stayed on the computer with her until 3 a.m. He has lied to me about the number of times he has been online with her and, if she calls or texts, he tells me it is someone else. She sent him pictures — which I saw — yet he denied receiving them. One time he forgot to sign off on a message he sent and, of course, I read it. To my shock, he was confiding a lot of things he has done while married to me that I was unaware of. It hurt me deeply, and I told him so. Recently I was in the hospital. When I called him a couple of times at night, he claimed he didn’t pick up because he was “tired.” I found out later he was on the computer with her. I have asked him more than once why this relationship is so private, and he says they are just friends. But when I asked to see some of the things he has written to her, he refused to show me. I said fine, then I will ask her. Well, he blew up! When I told him it hurts me that he spends so much time with her in the evening, he didn’t give an answer. Am I overreacting? If so, can you please tell me how to settle down and deal with what is happening? — COUSIN TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST

He’s fucking her, you dumb shit! You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out! Am I the only one screaming half way through reading the letter!? How can you not figure that out? You were in the hospital and he didn’t pick up the phone because he was tired. Yeah … tired from fucking his second cousin … in your bed! If my spouse told me they were tired as the reason they didn’t take a call from me while I was in the hospital, … the next call I would make would be to Alan Dershowitz. Is this woman really that dense? Are there really people out there like this?

Of course her husband is no genius either! He could’ve said he was sleeping and didn’t hear the phone … or … I had the phone on silent … or … sorry, my phone died … but nope! He just said he was tired. I mean uncontrollable diarrhea would have been a better excuse than the one he gave … but it sounds like she’s extremely gullible and he’s a piece of shit that’s become accustomed to just walking all over her. Trailer park in Alabama is sounding pretty plausible, isn’t it?

I’m in utter disbelief when Abby gets letters like this. You really couldn’t figure that out on your own!? You had to write to Abby for her opinion? Get the fuck outta here! I guarantee all her friends were screaming at her that he’s cheating but she just didn’t want to believe them!

“My friends don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ll write Abby and get her opinion!”

Well, then why do you keep reading it?

Well … because not all of the letters sent to Dear Abby are of … shall we say … that caliber. Some letters are from people who are in legitimate ethical dilemmas that either option seems reasonable but someone’s feelings are going to get hurt. For example:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are expecting our second child. We are facing a moral decision based on choosing his name. My wife’s cousin sadly had a late-term miscarriage two years ago. The name they were going to give their baby is coincidentally the same first and middle name that we have chosen for our child. We have wanted this combination of first and middle names for years, well before her cousin had her misfortune. In our case, the middle name is in honor of my wife’s father. The first name is just one we have always liked and, frankly, we cannot think of any other names we like more. Is it immoral or even unkind to name our child the same as her cousin’s child? Should we consider a different name to avoid causing them pain? — RESPECTFUL IN HAWAII

Letters like this are what keep me coming back for more and why I’m a huge fan of Dear Abby. I love the “… what would you do?” scenario of the situation. Both options could be argued successfully … so there is no real correct answer. Abby always seems to be able to shed some light on these dilemmas and give people sound advice.

Just like me!

Abby’s a people person … I’m a people person. (Well … sort of.)

Abby offers her opinions to help people. I offer my opinions to help people. (Well …kind of.)

Abby uses finesse and tact. I use … ummm … disdain and contempt.

OKAY! Maybe we’re not that much alike! Regardless … I think Abby does a great job replying calmly to people like Cousin Trouble In The Midwest. It’s amazing to me that there are people out there like that and worst of all … they are probably having kids! But … the world is made up of all kinds of people and I’m glad Abby’s there to help the retarded … Fuck! I forgot I can’t use that word anymore … uhhhh … decision challenged people who just need some good, solid advice.

Keep up the good work Abby and if you want some time off … I’m available to fill in temporarily. I’m just saying! Think about it.

Did you think I’d leave you hanging?

If you were wondering what Abby’s response was, here you go:

DEAR COUSIN TROUBLE: You are not overreacting. It’s time to do what you said you were going to do — call the woman and ask her what has been going on. After she fills you in, ask yourself if you still want to be married to a man who has cheated on you emotionally and probably physically. If you feel there is any hope of saving your marriage, offer your husband the option of seeing a marriage and family therapist together. However, knowing he has no compunction about lying to you or any respect for your feelings, you might prefer to simply consult a lawyer about what your next steps should be.

And …

DEAR RESPECTFUL: Please try harder to find a different first name for your baby. Although it would not be immoral to give your little one the same name(s) as this cousin’s stillborn baby, if this woman interacts with you at all, it will cause her pain. Even though no one “owns” a name, to use these two would be extremely insensitive.

Dear Abby is a class act! Check her out!

Speaking A Different Language Around You

When someone speaks another language in front of you at work … and they know you don’t speak that language … they are an asshole. Plain and simple. If you’re a social justice warrior crusading for the rights of the disenfranchised, I’m sure you’re running to your email right now to blast me and say …

“Hey Asshole! Maybe they don’t feel comfortable speaking English and don’t want to be embarrassed by mispronouncing a word?”

Save your energy and MY time. That’s a bullshit excuse! I won’t even tread into the waters of “You are in America … so speak English” because that will just piss off all the snowflakes. I don’t need them blowing up my email with everything else going on in the world right now (although I do love getting them worked up!). Inside the sanctity of someone’s home, I’m all for someone speaking their native tongue and keeping their culture alive … but outside the home, let’s all speak the same language.

Yeah! Yeah! I know … I’m racist … or whatever current bullshit label you want to call me (so you can feel “woke” and superior) … but if someone is speaking a different language in front of you … you’re going to think that person is talking shit about you! I don’t care how confident a person you are … it’s impossible NOT to think that. Especially when you know they can speak English and choose not to when you’re there! It’s fucking rude and shows they have no respect for you!

Before you get your panties in a wad, I’m not some redneck with a mullet who married my cousin demanding that everybody speak English all the time ’cause this is ‘Merica. That’s not me and that’s not what it’s about. It’s about common decency and respect for one another.

If someone struggles with English because it’s not their native language, I would be a hell of a lot more understanding if they couldn’t pronounce a word … as opposed to them just not trying. At least then I would know what they’re talking about and not wonder if they’re talking shit about me.

Even has an article on their website about this topic. Susan Warner, the president (1990-2017) and general counsel of the Philadelphia consulting firm Human Resource Trouble Shooting calls this scenario a “language-hostile environment.”

I’m not much for the whole PC sterilization of the work place and coming up with diluted names for something … but I guess since she ran an HR firm she can’t come out and just say someone who does this is an asshole. She had to keep it professional … but my guess is that if you had got a few drinks in her … she’d concede.

The person doing it certainly wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned. If I’m talking to someone and that person enters the room and we instantly stop talking … what are they going to think? Exactly! We were talking shit about them! Otherwise … we would have just continued what we were saying. That’s similar to walking in on two people talking another language and they don’t start speaking English when you arrive.

But …

They were talking in their language before you got there!

Yes, you are absolutely right! But guess what? I’m there now, so the polite thing to do would be to switch to English so I can understand what’s being said. Yeah, there’s no law saying they have to but in the scenario I pointed out if someone walks in and I stop talking, they are automatically going to think I was talking shit … even if I wasn’t. So the same applies to someone speaking a different language when I walk in. They may just be having a normal conversation but switching to English when I walk in is just polite.

The Incomplete Email Reply

You sit down and take the time to carefully compose an email. You have a couple topics that you want to address and need answers to. For the sake of time, you put everything together in one email so the recipient can read it and address all your questions rather than going back and forth numerous times in some long drawn out thread.

You make sure to use the return key on your keyboard to put it in an outline format so it’s easy to read … rather than just some huge run on paragraph. Each question is on a separate line for easy viewing. You proof read it. You proof read it … again. It’s a pretty damn good email! Short. Concise. To the point. You send it off.

A short time passes and you hear *DING!*

You’ve got mail.

You open their response to find out that the only question they have answered is the last question you asked and the other 4 questions were completely ignored! What the fuck!?

If it’s family … then it’s no big deal. You just reply back …

“Hey dumb shit! Maybe you didn’t see that I asked you a couple questions in that email and you ignored all but one of them! I always knew you were stupid but you don’t have to keep proving it! Reply back again and answer ALL the fucking questions! By the way … tell your Mom I said Hello.

That works fine if it’s family … but the problem arises when it’s for work!

You feel exactly the same way but you can’t reply like that in a professional setting … even though you’d like to! So … after you finish the silent rant in your head about what a dumb shit this person is … you try to respond in a way that comes across professional and without showing any of your condescension in your tone or words.

Do you just ask one question at a time and wait for a reply before asking another … since obviously this person can’t handle more than one idea at a time?

Do you ask the other 4 questions again in the same manner … hoping this time they’ll actually see them and answer them?

Do you try to ask the questions in a different manner … because obviously communicating is not this person’s strong point?

I don’t know the correct answer because every scenario will be different based upon the topic and the personality on the other end. What I do know … is that I have to proof my response many times before hitting the send button to make sure my indignation does not permeate through in my response!

Whichever way you decide, their response will show you their true colors. If they have character, they will notice when you ask again that they missed the questions the first time and own up to their oversight and apologize for not answering all the questions. If the person has a self-inflated ego they will gloss over the fact they ignored your questions and just answer them the second time you ask. If the person is just a fucking idiot they won’t even notice they’ve completely ignored a large part of your email and then you know you’re never going to get the answers you need.

I just don’t understand how a person does this!? I mean it’s not like it was a conversation that they could have possibly forgotten! It’s a fucking email in black and white that they can read and RE-READ again to make sure they’ve answered all your questions!

I get it if you’ve written an email that rivals A la recherche du temps perdu in length … obviously some points could be missed … but if it’s not a very long email then there’s no excuse not to address everything in the email!

Show some couth for fuck’s sake! I took the time to sit down and carefully craft my message to you in a clear, concise manner so that we can communicate effectively and efficiently in an effort not to waste your time with the constant back and forth that I know gets on MY nerves.

The least you can do is take the time to fucking read it and answer all my questions rather than scan it half-ass and blow me off with an answer that shows you put as little effort into reading it as possible.

What it’s really saying is that you’re not important to them and they couldn’t care less about you … or … they’re a fucking idiot!

Poor-Timed Ambition

Maybe this is just a problem I have … but I’m betting there are a few of you out there that encounter the same thing. It’s what I call Poor-Timed Ambition. That’s when you feel like crossing something off your “to do list” … but can’t do it at the time you are motivated.

Let me give you an example:

You wake up Wednesday and for whatever reason you feel like you can take on the world! You feel motivated to clean out the garage this weekend because shit has been stacking up everywhere and it’s been bugging you for a while now.

Okay! This Saturday … I’m cleaning the garage!”

Thursday and Friday you wake up feeling pretty good. You’re still motivated to clean out the garage but you have to go to work. So … you at least start thinking about how you will tackle it on Saturday. You figure you’ll wake up, have coffee and then dig in! It’s going to feel so good to finally get that done!

Saturday rolls around and suddenly that “take on the world attitude” has subsided. You wake up a little out of sorts. You know what you’re supposed to do today because you’ve been planning it since Wednesday … but you just don’t feel like doing it today.

You make your coffee and figure the caffeine jolt will get you motivated! As you sit there drinking your coffee … you start to come up with every reason why you shouldn’t clean out the garage. Then by the time you finish your coffee … you have convinced yourself that it can wait. You just don’t feel like cleaning it out! The weekend passes and the garage looks exactly the same! You’ve justified not getting it done though … because you’ll do it next weekend! Six months pass … and that fucking garage still looks exactly the same.

Why can’t I ever get that Wednesday motivation on Saturday!?

“There’s so much I want to do … but work prevents me from accomplishing it!”

All week long I feel motivated to do stuff … but can’t because I have to work. Then when the weekend rolls around and I have time to do it … I lose all motivation. I’m beginning to realize that I’m either moody … or … I’m just lazy as fuck! When I actually have the time to accomplish something I find every excuse not to do it!

Here’s the thing though … I always feel motivated to do something during the week when I have to work! I rarely have that “ambition” on the weekend! Maybe it’s just my brain helping me out to not feel like such a loser!? It knows I’m a lazy piece of shit so it gives me that motivation during the week … knowing I can’t act on it … to make me feel like I’m a do’er and feel better about myself.

It must be a self-preservation tactic that my brain has created over time to convince me that I’m not lazy … even though I am. On occasion there are times where I’ve said “Fuck it!” … and called out at work to do something. I stay home and I actually do work on it … but I can’t do that all the time! My circadian clock needs adjusting! Why can’t I have that ambitious feeling on the weekends and keep the lazy feelings for when I’m at work!?

If you have young kids, then your weekends are probably filled taking them to ball games or something so you can justify not getting things done. (I know I did!) My kids are older now and doing their own thing … so I really don’t have any excuse anymore!

All my ambition occurs during the week and inconveniently fades by the weekend. Then mid week it comes back and I convince myself that this weekend I’ll get it done! Saturday rolls around and like clockwork … I’m not feeling it. Fuck!

Not this weekend though!! It’s Wednesday and I’m feeling motivated! Now that I’ve recognized this pattern that I have … I will persevere and overcome! Hopefully if you have the same problem, I’ve also inspired you to work on that “To Do List” this weekend! You go get ’em tiger … I’ll probably end up going to the movies.

Decrepit Old Man Syndrome

What is that you ask?

That is when a healthy man suddenly needs a cane or walker to get around. The last time you saw them they were fine and now they are frail and barely clinging to life. They need a person on each side to hold them up because they are shaky on their feet and need help just to walk. This usually surfaces when someone has to go to court.

Most recently it was on full display with Harvey Weinstein … and Bill Cosby before him.

We’ll start with Harvey Weinstein:

“Take me to court … please! I’m rich and powerful. You can’t touch me.”

“Wait! What? I can’t believe you’re really going through with this.”

Lawyer: “This isn’t looking good. We need to make him look less guilty. Have him act like he’s an old man.”

Lawyer: “That didn’t work! Have him use a walker when he comes into court next time … and tell him to sell it!

There’s something about having to go to court that makes men age quickly. He’s walking around just fine in public when cameras capture him at the night clubs but suddenly he needs a walker when he comes into court. The lawyers even put the tennis balls on the walker’s feet like your Grandpa used to have! Get the fuck out of here! I don’t think anybody’s buying it Harvey!

Then there’s Bill Cosby:

“I’m getting so tired of having to appear at these court cases! Let’s get this over with!”

“Shit! This is really going to go to trial!? I can’t pay this one off?”

“It’s okay … my lawyer says I have nothing to worry about.”

“I love you too! You know I’m innocent!”

Lawyer: “It’s not looking good! You might be found guilty! You’re an actor, right? Next time you come to court bring a cane and sell it!”

Look at that change! From arrogant, defiant and got this beat … to frail old man almost overnight! It’s unreal the change that occurs from the first court appearance when he thinks he is getting off … to the end when the verdict will be read! It’s like he’s aged 20 years. I guarantee if the verdict would have been not guilty he would have stood up, dropped the cane and defiantly walked out of the courtroom just fine.

These two are prime examples of The Decrepit Old Man Syndrome. It’s a hoax to try to play on people’s emotions … and it’s laughable! They were fine up until they had to go to court. They weren’t frail when they were … (sorry, I can’t afford to be sued for slander) … allegedly committing the crimes they are accused of … so why are you going to act this way now? Oh yeah … you don’t want to go to jail and will try anything to avoid it. Do you really think the jurors are going to be swayed by this shit!? It just shows your true colors. You’re a big man until the hammer falls and then you’ll try anything you can to try to get your way out of it … even acting like a decrepit old man.

Dogs Everywhere

Remember the good ol’ days when dogs were in backyards or being walked by their owners on the street … not in every fucking cart at the store!

Awesome! That’s just what I wanted … some dog’s asshole rubbing all over the cart where I’m going to put my groceries!

Am I the only one who thinks that the majority of people have lost their fucking minds!? Everywhere you turn, everyone has their pets with them!

Home Goods …

Home Depot …

Ralphs …

Target …

I’ll admit the little fucker inside the target basket is cute … but can’t anyone leave the fucking house without their pets anymore!?

And if you have to bring them with you, what happened to leaving them outside like this …

Oh … that’s right! They’re not pets anymore … they’re emotional support animals. People need them in the grocery store because shopping is such a stressful event. Get the fuck out of here!

When I grew up, we had dogs and we considered them “part of the family” … but they were still just pets. They weren’t considered “kids” … like they are these days.

If someone would have asked a mother when I was growing up if the dog was her “baby” … she would have looked at them and said:

“Uh … no! He’s a dog. I didn’t give birth to him!”

Somewhere along the line that question became less offensive. Now, when you ask that question … the answer is “Yes! Those are my kids!”

No … they’re not your kids! Stop anthropomorphizing your pets. Stop acting like they are furry humans. They aren’t! They don’t understand what you’re saying. You can’t carry on a conversation with them. When you ask them a question and they bark … they are not answering you in their “dog language!” They don’t understand what you’re saying!

The problem is that people don’t want to put effort into real relationships anymore so they just treat their animals like their partner. They can’t deal with someone who might have a different opinion … so they just partner up with a pet.

Dogs used to have the distinguished job of protecting the family and their property. This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Now dogs have to fill an emotional void in whacked out humans. People can’t deal with the tiniest amount of stress anymore so their dogs have to go everywhere with them in case they are “triggered.”

Is Target too stressful!?

It’s out of control! Now they’re invading airplanes!

Yeah … that’s just what I want … this dog breathing in my face throughout my whole flight. I’m sure he was licking his ass just before he got on the plane … so it’s going to be awesome!

Has common sense gone out the window!? I get nervous enough seeing a crying baby in the waiting area … hoping they’re not going to get on my flight … now I have to worry about the asshole with the 40lb. Labrador?

And it’s not just dogs anymore that people are bringing onto planes! People have gone off the fucking deep end. Now there’s emotional support … everything trying to get onto planes!

Awesome … let’s listen to this fucker “caw” for the 14 hour flight!
I seriously doubt that diaper is going to contain all that duck’s shit!
A pony!?
A pig! Gimme a fucking break!

Seriously!? Have we descended into being a third world country!? I thought this kind of shit only happened on Kazakhstan Airlines! Why can’t pets ride in the cargo area like they have … for 50 years!?

Sorry … I got a little off topic.

Dog’s are great pets but you don’t need to bring them everywhere you go! The only time I want to see a dog in a store is if it’s a TRUE service animal. The real service animals are trained and do a great service to someone who is truly in need.

I understand the need for service dogs and am totally fine with them going wherever they need to go because they are rigorously trained and certified. They are not bullshit emotional support animals. If you have a real service dog, the above mentioned does not apply to you … but if you’re one of those assholes who can’t go anywhere without your dog … fucking leave it at home!

Not Enough Diversity Bullshit

So the Oscar nominees were announced Monday. Just as the last syllable was being uttered, everybody on social media and TV starts blowing up the internet about how women and “people of color” are unrepresented. Get the fuck out of here!

How can women be unrepresented when there is a category for women named Best Actress!? Unless the Academy is nominating men in that category … then I’d say women are being represented. And how can you say that “people of color” are not represented when there is a woman of color nominated in the Best Actress category!?

There were 786 movies released this year. There are going to be winners and there are going to be losers … that’s the way life works. There are a limited amount of slots in each category. Do you want the movies to be nominated based upon how good they are … or based upon some political formula so everyone is “equally” represented!? Give me a fucking break!

Stop trying to make everything equal.

Life doesn’t work like that … no matter how much you try to socially engineer it.

I’m going to touch the third rail on this one … so if you are easily offended … stop reading NOW and Google some cat videos and go to your safe place.

As usual, angry emails go to

If you’re still with me … don’t say I didn’t warn you!

This is directed to woman and people of color (which is the new politically correct term for black people) who feel you were not represented in the Oscars. Do you want special treatment or do you want to be treated equal? I’m always hearing you say that you want equality and to be judged on your merits and not your gender or skin color. Okay, that seems fair … but you can’t cry foul when things don’t go your way! Being treated equally means you’re not special … but that’s not really what you want. You want the best of both worlds. You want to be equal … when it suits you.

There were both women and black people nominated in categories … so don’t make overgeneralized statements. There were no women nominated for best director … which is what you thought should’ve happened … so therefore you say you’re “unrepresented.” Stop trying to stir shit up where it doesn’t need to be!

Just because YOU think the movie directed by a woman was amazing … doesn’t mean everyone else did! That movie might have been great and she did an excellent job but there are 785 other movies to consider. The movies are voted upon by members of the Academy. Maybe the voters thought the other films were better? Maybe they were judging the movies on their merits and not worrying about what gender the director was … like they’re supposed to. The Oscars are supposed to reward excellence in film making … not make sure everyone gets a participation trophy. If you didn’t win … work harder next time!

The whole thing smells of activism and honestly I think it’s the media floating this bullshit. There wasn’t even enough time for some slighted actress or black actor to pick up their phone and whine on social media before this narrative had legs.

For all the people who are keeping this going for their agenda … just fucking stop!

Don’t say women aren’t represented. Women are everywhere in Hollywood. I can’t go anywhere and not see some #MeToo movement issue. Woman empowerment is on every fucking commercial and marketing campaign out right now. I think woman empowerment is great but it’s gotten a little out of control … don’t you think!? Are you trying to become equal or trying to take over!? Equality means that men see you as equal … but don’t forget, you have to see men as equal too! Is the goal equality or is it taking over? Not represented … Get the fuck out of here. You’re represented … you just didn’t win a specific nomination this year.

And don’t tell me that black people aren’t represented. Black people have there own TV channel for fuck’s sake. They even have their own separate awards shows. Are you telling me Oprah and Tyler Perry couldn’t get whatever they wanted if they asked!? Not represented … Get the fuck out of here. You’re represented … you just didn’t win a specific nomination this year.

EVERY year there are so called “snubs” in various categories. I’m sure the people that don’t get nominated always try to blame it on some other reason than the film or their performance just wasn’t good enough compared to the other films. The films are voted on by the Academy that is made up of people in the industry … your peers … so stop your bitching. If you don’t like it, then switch careers … yeah, that’s what I thought.

In 2009 Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for Hurt Locker. She even beat out James Cameron for Avatar. She won the Oscar because she did the best job! That’s true equality! She won because she made a great film … not because females weren’t represented enough.

The goal is to make the best movie you can and then hopefully you’ll be recognized for it. Do you really want the win if it’s to fill some affirmative action bullshit!? Personally, I’d rather win knowing that it was because I made a great movie not because I was a quota.

I’m am so tired of listening to all these fucking whiny people complain about how something or someone wasn’t represented. News Flash! Life’s not fair!

Google Maps

Am I the only one who gets pissed when I type in something specific and Google comes back with unrequested results!? For example … I was going on a trip and I typed in Hilton Hotels into Google Maps. What pops up!? Every hotel in the area … except a Hilton. If I wanted to see every hotel in the area, then I would have searched the generic term “hotel” and not been specific. If I type in specifically Hilton … then just show me the fucking Hilton hotels and nothing else!

I don’t want to see a Marriott. I don’t want to see a Hyatt. I don’t want to see a Best Western and I certainly don’t want to see any Motel 6 pop up! I want Hilton hotels which is why I typed in … Hilton hotels.

There’s a reason I want a Hilton and not just any hotel. I joined the Hilton Honors program so I can earn points when I stay there. I accumulate points and get perks when I save up enough points. Currently, I’m on track to receive a $2 bottle of water for using 100,000,000,000,000,000 points. It’s a lofty goal … but I’m committed! (Yes, I’m exaggerating … slightly … but you get the point. We’ll save the ridiculous amount of points you have to acquire to receive minuscule rewards for another post!)

Every year Google sets aside money for research and development. Every year they seem to spend a little more than the last year. In 2018 the company spent $21,000,000,000 on R&D. YES! That’s $21 billion with a B! They are looking towards the future and investing money in Artificial Intelligence.

I’m sure it costs a lot of money to be on the cutting edge of new, exciting technologies like that … but maybe they can spare a few million dollars to go back and re-tool one of their old technologies … so it fucking works like it’s supposed to! They are so busy trying to beat all the other tech companies to the “next big technology” that they don’t focus on making what they’ve already created work better.

Does Google even work on Maps anymore? I’m thinking they don’t otherwise they would have fixed the voice navigation it gives. I can’t even count how many times that bitch is silent and then pipes up to say:

“Turn left in 20 feet … (beep, beep) … rerouting …”

How about a little more notice for fuck’s sake! You’re tracking my every move. It didn’t occur to you to let me know that a turn was coming up … before I was actually at the intersection!? She either won’t shut up or she gives directions after I’ve passed where I need to go. (I guess that’s why Google chose a female voice. Whoa! Relax ladies! I’m just kidding!)

Oh … and maybe this is just me … but why do they have to switch the background to black when it’s night time. I’m looking out the fucking windshield. I know it’s night time. Just keep it the gray color.

Google doesn’t worry whether Maps works well or not! As far as they are concerned it’s mastered. No! No Google … it’s not mastered! Let’s take a little of that R&D budget and go back and work on Maps. I think you can spare a few million to make it better.

As far as I’m concerned, they have an obligation to make that shit work flawlessly because there are no alternatives anymore! Do you remember Thomas Guides!? It’s not like you can find one of those anywhere! Google Maps was definitely a large part of their demise. And for all you assholes that have to prove me wrong and say:

“There’s an alternative … you can use Bing Maps.

Fuck off! Yeah …while I’m at it, I can log into my A.O.L. account using Netscape on my dial-up modem. Bing Maps is old and it sucks! It’s as bad as Vista was and should die off too.

One last complaint I have about Google Maps has less to do with the actual application and more to do with the unintended consequences it has created. This new generation has no idea how to get somewhere without their phones telling them where to go.

If I try to give a younger person directions, they get confused if the directions are more than turn right at the next light. They anxiously tell me nevermind … I’ll just Map it!

I remember my old man had the entire south land mapped out in his head. He did outside sales so he knew where everything was. If I was lost, I could call him … from a pay phone of course … and tell him what I see around me and he could tell me exactly where I was and how to get where I needed to go!

I think those days are over. Those were the good ‘ol days when … Oh shit! I’m starting to sound like my grandparents!

The Eternal Red Light

It’s late at night. You’re alone. You’re tired. You just want to get home. You’re coming up to the intersection and you can see the green light ahead in the distance. You say a little prayer to the light ahead …

“Please stay green until I get there. Please stay green until I get there. It’s been green too long … I’m not gonna make it. I’m almost there … maybe it WILL stay green … FUCK!”

The light turns yellow … you contemplate speeding up to run the yellow light …. Do I have time before it turns red!? … Yes! … Wait, No! … It’s too far away! You wait too long to decide and end up having to lock it up at the last second!

“Damn it! There’s no one around … I should have ran it!”

So you sit there at the red light. You look around and there’s nobody in sight. You look left … nobody. You look right … nobody. You look to see if there’s some asshole who hit the crosswalk button. Nope! No one around. You wonder why the hell the light had to turn when you got near it. Whatever … it’ll change in a minute and then I can go.

Thirty seconds pass. No big deal … you’re still singing the song on the radio. A minute passes and you start thinking it better change in a second. A minute and a half passes and you’re starting to get a little irritated. Two minutes pass and it’s still red. Two and half minutes pass and now you’re starting to grumble. Three minutes pass (which seem like an eternity) and you start yelling at the light …

“Come on motherfucker! There’s no one around. Turn already!”

You see a car coming towards you. You’re thinking maybe he’ll trip the light so you can both go since there is NOBODY coming from the left or the right. He comes closer to the intersection … and then turns right. Now you start yelling at him because he turned.

Finally … someone is coming up to the light from your left. You figure … HA! It’s gonna turn red for him when he comes up and he’ll get stuck … but I’ll get the green light! He pulls into the left turn lane. He waits about 10 seconds and the left turn light turns green for him.


You figure at least now the light will turn green for you. What happens!? He turns and his left turn light goes back to red and the opposite direction turns green again … and you’re still stuck at a red light! Unfuckingbelievable!

Now you’re contemplating running the red … but you know damn well if you do, a cop will appear out of thin air to give you a ticket. You start arguing with yourself. There’s no one around … just go! There’s a cop somewhere I can’t see that will give me a ticket!

While you are arguing with yourself you notice that the light to the left is finally turning yellow … then red. It’s about time! What happens!? The left turn lane in your direction turns green and your light to go straight … is still red. Is this some sort of joke!? It finally cycles and your light turns green. It’s about fucking time! You finish your drive home grumbling about the light and making veiled threats under your breath to all the other lights you encounter until you get home.

Small Drive-Thru Lanes

Maybe it’s just me … but it sure seems like drive-thru lanes are getting smaller. If you’re driving one of those smart cars (seen below)…

you can easily navigate through … but if you are driving anything else, you’d best hold your breath.

I have a truck slightly smaller than the one pictured above (yeah … I know … I’m compensating for something) and it’s all I can do to make it through the drive-thru without fucking my truck up. All the tire marks you see on the curb while you’re waiting in the drive-thru … they’re all from me! There are some drive-thrus I won’t even try because I don’t want to be “that” guy. You know … the one that gets stuck and everyone says “What the fuck were you thinking!?” … like this:

Seriously!? I get it … it’s cold and there’s snow on the ground but did you really think you could get a fucking semi through there!?

I think it’s all part of the government trying to get us into smaller, gas-efficient cars. They had a meeting at Steyer’s house and came to the conclusion that the most efficient way to make us give up our big, gas-guzzling cars was to make the fast food drive-thru smaller.

Why is that?” … you ask.

They know we’ve become lazy and don’t want to get out of our cars to get food and they know we are all a bunch of lazy assholes craving salty fries … so to continue to be able to get through the drive-thru … they figure we’ll start buying smaller cars. Okay … maybe there’s not a lot of facts to back up that theory … but it seems plausible to me!

They know they are building the lanes smaller too! Have you ever noticed how many more of those concrete filled steel posts they have lining the lane!? Those are to prevent you from hitting and damaging their building. If they fuck up your car … oh well!

Who’s designing these lanes!? Who do they think are going through the fast food drive-thru!? The elitists driving the small, gas-efficient cars are going to Whole Foods Market! They’re not going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

Going through the drive-thru feels like going down Lombard street!

You’ve got only inches on either side of your car! Pay attention next time you go through the drive-thru. You’ll see a shitload of scrapes on the walls. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this!? Did you think those were just part of the stucco wall art!? And don’t tell me it’s just because I don’t know how to fucking drive. My driving is just fine … they are just making the lanes smaller now!

Look at this poor guy!

Look at how little room there is to maneuver!

So, if any fast food chain owners happen to be reading this … make the fucking lanes bigger in the next location you’re building. You can enlarge the lanes by making the dining area smaller … nobody’s using it except for the homeless. Everyone else is taking it to go or having it picked up by Postmates … because they are too stoned to go get it themselves.

As long as we are talking about drive-thrus, I want to bring up something else! Is there any way to make a longer drive-thru lane at In-N-Out for fuck’s sake!?

Every time I go there it looks like the 405 at rush hour. I love their burgers just as much as the next guy … but the line is enough to make me keep driving! Lynsi … you know you’re going to have a shit ton of cars lining up … build accordingly! Purchase property that has a lot of space for all the cars … maybe something like this:

Even if it’s a little out of the way, people will drive the extra miles to get there. I’m just saying …