Small Drive-Thru Lanes

Maybe it’s just me … but it sure seems like drive-thru lanes are getting smaller. If you’re driving one of those smart cars (seen below)…

you can easily navigate through … but if you are driving anything else, you’d best hold your breath.

I have a truck slightly smaller than the one pictured above (yeah … I know … I’m compensating for something) and it’s all I can do to make it through the drive-thru without fucking my truck up. All the tire marks you see on the curb while you’re waiting in the drive-thru … they’re all from me! There are some drive-thrus I won’t even try because I don’t want to be “that” guy. You know … the one that gets stuck and everyone says “What the fuck were you thinking!?” … like this:

Seriously!? I get it … it’s cold and there’s snow on the ground but did you really think you could get a fucking semi through there!?


I think it’s all part of the government trying to get us into smaller, gas-efficient cars. They had a meeting at Steyer’s house and came to the conclusion that the most efficient way to make us give up our big, gas-guzzling cars was to make the fast food drive-thru smaller.

Why is that?” … you ask.

They know we’ve become lazy and don’t want to get out of our cars to get food and they know we are all a bunch of lazy assholes craving salty fries … so to continue to be able to get through the drive-thru … they figure we’ll start buying smaller cars. Okay … maybe there’s not a lot of facts to back up that theory … but it seems plausible to me!


They know they are building the lanes smaller too! Have you ever noticed how many more of those concrete filled steel posts they have lining the lane!? Those are to prevent you from hitting and damaging their building. If they fuck up your car … oh well!

Who’s designing these lanes!? Who do they think are going through the fast food drive-thru!? The elitists driving the small, gas-efficient cars are going to Whole Foods Market! They’re not going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

Going through the drive-thru feels like going down Lombard street!

You’ve got only inches on either side of your car! Pay attention next time you go through the drive-thru. You’ll see a shitload of scrapes on the walls. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this!? Did you think those were just part of the stucco wall art!? And don’t tell me it’s just because I don’t know how to fucking drive. My driving is just fine … they are just making the lanes smaller now!

Look at this poor guy!

Look at how little room there is to maneuver!

So, if any fast food chain owners happen to be reading this … make the fucking lanes bigger in the next location you’re building. You can enlarge the lanes by making the dining area smaller … nobody’s using it except for the homeless. Everyone else is taking it to go or having it picked up by Postmates … because they are too stoned to go get it themselves.

As long as we are talking about drive-thrus, I want to bring up something else! Is there any way to make a longer drive-thru lane at In-N-Out for fuck’s sake!?

Every time I go there it looks like the 405 at rush hour. I love their burgers just as much as the next guy … but the line is enough to make me keep driving! Lynsi … you know you’re going to have a shit ton of cars lining up … build accordingly! Purchase property that has a lot of space for all the cars … maybe something like this:

Even if it’s a little out of the way, people will drive the extra miles to get there. I’m just saying …

Artisan Hamburgers

The whole point of a hamburger is to be able to pick it up and eat it on the go. These hamburgers that come out 15 inches tall with a knife holding them together are an abomination! I know all the foodies are getting pissed, looking down their pretentious noses at me thinking I don’t know anything about fine cuisine. Fuck you hipster! Go take a picture of you’re $35 hamburger and post it on whatever social media you troll on. Hamburgers are not meant to be eaten with a knife and fork! If you’re eating a hamburger with a fork … it’s called meatloaf!

When did this become a thing!? Is this like a mid-life crisis for chefs? Instead of going out and buying a Corvette they just make their burgers gigantic to compensate for their small dicks? There is nobody that enjoys opening their mouth like a python to take a bite out of a hamburger. If you say that you’re okay with it … you’re just lying. I get that all those different flavors can be amazing on the palate but once it starts getting to the point that you can’t fit it in your mouth … just stop! You can make an amazing burger at normal size … case in point: In-N-Out. They’ve built a $1.3 billion business on burgers … and they’re not 15 inches tall!

Yeah, it looks delicious … but who can fit that in their mouth!?