Grocery Store Blocker

So what is a grocery store blocker you ask?

This is a person who blocks your access to something with their cart and doesn’t allow you to get something … until they are done. Now, I’m not talking about me being impatient waiting for someone to move so I can grab something. No, no, no. I’m talking about the person who deliberately and strategically uses their cart to block you.

Let me give you an example …

I wanted to get some steaks from the meat cooler. That’s the open topped refrigerated section that the prepackaged meat is sitting in (seen above). I go over and there is an asshole who has his cart length wise against the cooler, so the packages are out of my reach unless I’m going to be rude and reach across him … and for once … I’m trying to be polite. He is picking up every fucking package and inspecting it. He senses my impatience due to the death stare I’m now giving him and the intentional heavy sighs I’m emitting. He senses that I’m past being polite and I’m about to reach across and grab a package. He then starts piling the packages close to him … almost guarding them because he doesn’t know what package is going to be the “one” and doesn’t want me to grab any until he’s viewed them all. He quickly decides this package is the best one and puts it in his cart and scurries off. He left all the packages he fucked with against the edge in disarray. What a dick!

Another type of blocking …

A person who leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle while they walk off to look at something. Then when I come down the aisle, I have to patiently stop and wait for them to come back and move their cart … or I have to move it. I always pick the latter! I grab their cart and abruptly move it, frustrated by what an inconsiderate asshole this person is. This usually elicits a look of disbelief that I had the nerve to touch their cart. Uh … you better fucking believe it! Next time, don’t leave your cart in the middle of the fucking aisle asshole! Do you think you’re the only one shopping here!?

And the stores can be guilty of blocking also …

Quite honestly, I believe this is the worst. You are choosing now to stock your fucking shelves! Seriously!? You couldn’t do it when the store was closed!? And the employees never have their shit off to the side of the aisle. No! They always block almost an entire entrance to an aisle so you have to go all the way around to the other side to get what you need down the aisle. They bring huge carts out and won’t move them for you to get by. You do want my business, right!? Stock that shit after hours!

Tactile Paving

If you don’t know what tactile paving is, it’s the hard rubber pieces with bumps that they place around stores to let visually impaired people know when they are leaving the sidewalk. Seen in the image below:

I despise these things. They are ridiculous!

Before you start screaming about how insensitive I am because they are there for visually impaired people … let me clarify that I don’t lack empathy in the slightest for a person with a disability. I even researched the term handicapped (which is the term I was going to use) and found out that term is offensive now … which is why I used the more acceptable term person with a disability.

I even learned the following:

  • Never say “a disabled person” or “the disabled.” Say a person or people “with disabilities.” …
  • Never use the term “handicapped parking.” Use “accessible parking” instead …
  • Never use the term “impaired.” …
  • Never say “hidden” disabilities. …

… so put your picket sign away. You don’t need to come protest outside my house. I’m trying! I’m learning!

All I wanted to say is … do the bumps really need to be so fucking big!? Here’s my problem: I have all my groceries jammed into my bags (the ones I had to bring so I don’t have to pay the 10 cent extortion fee … see my previous post on the plastic bag scam). As I go over these outrageously high profile bumps all my groceries start falling out of the bags and cases of soda on the bottom rack of the cart starts falling off into the street. It’s bumpier than a fucking roller coaster.

Oh! … and a word to the wise … don’t even think about opening any of those sodas any time soon after they’ve gone over those bumps. Trust me! How about we tone down the bumps a little bit. The person that’s visually impaired will still be able to sense the bumps … but it’s not going to shake everything loose out of my fucking cart onto the street!

Writing Checks for Groceries

In reality, this is really just a pet peeve against old people I guess because no one else is writing checks anymore. Just calm the fuck down and let me explain before you start in with the you’re such an asshole bit! I don’t have a problem with them writing checks. Hell, I’m envious because they have much less chance of their identity being stolen writing checks. What I have a problem with is them waiting to get the checkbook out of their purse until the last item has rung up. Pull that shit out and start filling it out while your Ensure, Metamucil and Sanka are being rung up! You know what store you’re in. Fill in that area. You know the date. Fill in that area. Sign it and then wait for them to give you the total so that’s the last thing you need to fill in and you’re done in a matter of 30 seconds after that.

[Unless, of course, they write the wrong total. Oh shit! Then they have to write VOID on the check … tear it out of the checkbook … tear it up into 1000 little pieces and put it back in their purse … open their check register … write the VOID in the ledger and balance the register before even starting to write the new check.]

I know you’re retired and this is the “event” for the day but I have a busy life and I have 50 other things I have to do today … unlike you. Just because you got old doesn’t mean it excuses you from trying to be efficient and courteous of other people’s time. Shit, you’ve probably written over 10,000 checks by now in your life, so you now how to do it! You can’t tell me that at least once you haven’t been in line behind some nice old lady. The cashier gives her the total and then she starts digging around in her purse. Pulling things out, stacking them on the counter, so she can get to her checkbook at the bottom. Then … she starts searching for a pen to write with. If you didn’t start to think “Oh my God! Are you serious!?” You ARE a fucking liar! Look, I have a grandmother and I love her to pieces but if she was in front of me doing the shit I just mentioned, I would think the same about her. Maybe the way the stores have a 15 items or less lane … they should have a 70 and older lane so that all the old people can take their time in line writing checks and the people behind them will be understanding because … they’re going to do the same damn thing!

Grocery Line Cellphone Etiquette

Is your phone call so fucking important that you can’t end it to interact with the cashier!?

Are you on the phone to the U.N. with the solution to world hunger?

Are you on the phone to the government of Africa with a solution to their potable water problem?

Are you on the phone with the American Cancer Society with the breakthrough cure for cancer?

If not, then hang up your fucking phone asshole and conduct yourself like a civil human being! Do you think you’re better than the person working the register? I watched a person in front of me talk on their phone from the time they got in line until the time they walked out the door? The cashier asking them questions only to get a head nod while droning on into the phone about their weekend plans. “Do you need bags?” Completely ignores the cashier. The cashier politely asks again, only to get a pissed look that they interrupted them while they are on the phone. They shake their head NO … while never breaking from the phone conversation . Do you think you’re so important that normal rules don’t apply to you? Unfortunately, this seems to be the ever growing case! People more and more think that they are something special and don’t need to show other people respect. Trust me, you’re not as important as you think you are.

Action Speakers

Everybody has an inner dialogue in their head. You know the conversations that you have in your head but nobody else hears … or NEEDS to hear! For example, when you do your mental checklist before going out the door: wallet, keys, cellphone, check! Okay maybe this is not the best example because I know many people say that checklist out loud because it helps them remember … but you are also usually alone. Do you know when you don’t need to say everything out loud? When you’re at the grocery store. I was behind a woman last night that said out loud everything she saw and was doing. Upon being rung up she started talking incessantly. “Oh! Did I get that one? I didn’t want that one. Just ring it up and I’ll go get the other one. I have my Uber outside and I don’t want to make them wait. I’ll just get the Salisbury Steak. Oh, how much did that ring up as? Did I get the discounted price?” Holy shit, I don’t think she even came up for air! Then she went to pay and started reading the instructions on the card reader screen. This is verbatim what came out of her mouth – “Insert card. Okay, I’m inserting my card … Cash back? No, I don’t want cash back … Total. Yes, that’s the total … Processing. Okay, processing.” And before you start trying to make excuses for her like “…maybe she had mental problems? Did you think of that?” She didn’t have any fucking disabilities. She is just one of those annoying people who loves to hear her own voice and thinks everybody else wants to also. News flash! I don’t. This interaction at the grocery store is something that almost everybody does and they don’t feel the need to give the play by play! Last time you went to the grocery store, did the person in front of you act like this? I’m guessing not or you would have definitely remembered. They probably ran their card, waited patiently and then had a pleasant exchange of Thank You with the clerk. They didn’t announce every action they were doing. Do you know why they call it an “inner dialogue?” Because it’s in your head … for only YOU to hear. When you start speaking it out loud, people start thinking your crazy … and it’s fucking annoying!