The Eternal Red Light

It’s late at night. You’re alone. You’re tired. You just want to get home. You’re coming up to the intersection and you can see the green light ahead in the distance. You say a little prayer to the light ahead …

“Please stay green until I get there. Please stay green until I get there. It’s been green too long … I’m not gonna make it. I’m almost there … maybe it WILL stay green … FUCK!”

The light turns yellow … you contemplate speeding up to run the yellow light …. Do I have time before it turns red!? … Yes! … Wait, No! … It’s too far away! You wait too long to decide and end up having to lock it up at the last second!

“Damn it! There’s no one around … I should have ran it!”

So you sit there at the red light. You look around and there’s nobody in sight. You look left … nobody. You look right … nobody. You look to see if there’s some asshole who hit the crosswalk button. Nope! No one around. You wonder why the hell the light had to turn when you got near it. Whatever … it’ll change in a minute and then I can go.

Thirty seconds pass. No big deal … you’re still singing the song on the radio. A minute passes and you start thinking it better change in a second. A minute and a half passes and you’re starting to get a little irritated. Two minutes pass and it’s still red. Two and half minutes pass and now you’re starting to grumble. Three minutes pass (which seem like an eternity) and you start yelling at the light …

“Come on motherfucker! There’s no one around. Turn already!”

You see a car coming towards you. You’re thinking maybe he’ll trip the light so you can both go since there is NOBODY coming from the left or the right. He comes closer to the intersection … and then turns right. Now you start yelling at him because he turned.

Finally … someone is coming up to the light from your left. You figure … HA! It’s gonna turn red for him when he comes up and he’ll get stuck … but I’ll get the green light! He pulls into the left turn lane. He waits about 10 seconds and the left turn light turns green for him.


You figure at least now the light will turn green for you. What happens!? He turns and his left turn light goes back to red and the opposite direction turns green again … and you’re still stuck at a red light! Unfuckingbelievable!

Now you’re contemplating running the red … but you know damn well if you do, a cop will appear out of thin air to give you a ticket. You start arguing with yourself. There’s no one around … just go! There’s a cop somewhere I can’t see that will give me a ticket!

While you are arguing with yourself you notice that the light to the left is finally turning yellow … then red. It’s about time! What happens!? The left turn lane in your direction turns green and your light to go straight … is still red. Is this some sort of joke!? It finally cycles and your light turns green. It’s about fucking time! You finish your drive home grumbling about the light and making veiled threats under your breath to all the other lights you encounter until you get home.

Birds and My Clean Car

I don’t keep my car as clean as I’d like to. There is a neighbor down the street that is out washing his car almost every weekend. I’m jealous of his dedication. I wish I had that kind of energy and motivation … but I’m just too lazy. It’s just easier to look at my car and say “Ehh, it’s clean enough.” PLUS … it seems whenever I wash my car … within hours some fucking bird has taken the biggest shit I’ve ever seen on my newly washed car!

What the fuck?! When my car is dirty it rarely becomes the target of some birds anal fury but as soon as I wash it … BOOM! Are birds that smart? Doubt it. Are they vindictive little pricks? Seems like it! I believe they are attracted to shiny things. In my scientific research (i.e. googling it), I found this information:

“…  the attraction some species of bird hold for shiny objects, such as jewelry. This attraction can lead birds to enter a house or even try to steal a shiny object. Birds may desire these objects to attract mates, or to decorate their nests to help visiting females feel more comfortable .”

Apparently, humans aren’t the only species with gold diggers! Just kidding ladies! Relax … don’t hit me with your $2000 Louis Vuitton purse. Sorry, as I was saying … it never fails that when my car is clean, it is inevitable that a bird is going to litter my car with shit!

This leads me to believe that I should not wash my car very often. It seems logical. I’m not saying to let it become so dirty that some douchebag feels the need to write “Wash Me!” on the windshield (I can’t stand that!) but keeping it clean constantly and getting shit on is just inviting aggravation into my life! So when you see me and my car is dirty, just know that I wanted to wash it … but I couldn’t. Also, when you see me hit a bird with my car and laugh, don’t get pissed, I’m just trying to even the score … and I’m way behind.