Birds and My Clean Car

I don’t keep my car as clean as I’d like to. There is a neighbor down the street that is out washing his car almost every weekend. I’m jealous of his dedication. I wish I had that kind of energy and motivation … but I’m just too lazy. It’s just easier to look at my car and say “Ehh, it’s clean enough.” PLUS … it seems whenever I wash my car … within hours some fucking bird has taken the biggest shit I’ve ever seen on my newly washed car!

What the fuck?! When my car is dirty it rarely becomes the target of some birds anal fury but as soon as I wash it … BOOM! Are birds that smart? Doubt it. Are they vindictive little pricks? Seems like it! I believe they are attracted to shiny things. In my scientific research (i.e. googling it), I found this information:

“…  the attraction some species of bird hold for shiny objects, such as jewelry. This attraction can lead birds to enter a house or even try to steal a shiny object. Birds may desire these objects to attract mates, or to decorate their nests to help visiting females feel more comfortable .”

Apparently, humans aren’t the only species with gold diggers! Just kidding ladies! Relax … don’t hit me with your $2000 Louis Vuitton purse. Sorry, as I was saying … it never fails that when my car is clean, it is inevitable that a bird is going to litter my car with shit!

This leads me to believe that I should not wash my car very often. It seems logical. I’m not saying to let it become so dirty that some douchebag feels the need to write “Wash Me!” on the windshield (I can’t stand that!) but keeping it clean constantly and getting shit on is just inviting aggravation into my life! So when you see me and my car is dirty, just know that I wanted to wash it … but I couldn’t. Also, when you see me hit a bird with my car and laugh, don’t get pissed, I’m just trying to even the score … and I’m way behind.