Dogs Everywhere

Remember the good ol’ days when dogs were in backyards or being walked by their owners on the street … not in every fucking cart at the store!

Awesome! That’s just what I wanted … some dog’s asshole rubbing all over the cart where I’m going to put my groceries!

Am I the only one who thinks that the majority of people have lost their fucking minds!? Everywhere you turn, everyone has their pets with them!

Home Goods …

Home Depot …

Ralphs …

Target …

I’ll admit the little fucker inside the target basket is cute … but can’t anyone leave the fucking house without their pets anymore!?

And if you have to bring them with you, what happened to leaving them outside like this …

Oh … that’s right! They’re not pets anymore … they’re emotional support animals. People need them in the grocery store because shopping is such a stressful event. Get the fuck out of here!

When I grew up, we had dogs and we considered them “part of the family” … but they were still just pets. They weren’t considered “kids” … like they are these days.

If someone would have asked a mother when I was growing up if the dog was her “baby” … she would have looked at them and said:

“Uh … no! He’s a dog. I didn’t give birth to him!”

Somewhere along the line that question became less offensive. Now, when you ask that question … the answer is “Yes! Those are my kids!”

No … they’re not your kids! Stop anthropomorphizing your pets. Stop acting like they are furry humans. They aren’t! They don’t understand what you’re saying. You can’t carry on a conversation with them. When you ask them a question and they bark … they are not answering you in their “dog language!” They don’t understand what you’re saying!

The problem is that people don’t want to put effort into real relationships anymore so they just treat their animals like their partner. They can’t deal with someone who might have a different opinion … so they just partner up with a pet.

Dogs used to have the distinguished job of protecting the family and their property. This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Now dogs have to fill an emotional void in whacked out humans. People can’t deal with the tiniest amount of stress anymore so their dogs have to go everywhere with them in case they are “triggered.”

Is Target too stressful!?

It’s out of control! Now they’re invading airplanes!

Yeah … that’s just what I want … this dog breathing in my face throughout my whole flight. I’m sure he was licking his ass just before he got on the plane … so it’s going to be awesome!

Has common sense gone out the window!? I get nervous enough seeing a crying baby in the waiting area … hoping they’re not going to get on my flight … now I have to worry about the asshole with the 40lb. Labrador?

And it’s not just dogs anymore that people are bringing onto planes! People have gone off the fucking deep end. Now there’s emotional support … everything trying to get onto planes!

Awesome … let’s listen to this fucker “caw” for the 14 hour flight!
FUCK THAT!
I seriously doubt that diaper is going to contain all that duck’s shit!
A pony!?
A pig! Gimme a fucking break!

Seriously!? Have we descended into being a third world country!? I thought this kind of shit only happened on Kazakhstan Airlines! Why can’t pets ride in the cargo area like they have … for 50 years!?

Sorry … I got a little off topic.

Dog’s are great pets but you don’t need to bring them everywhere you go! The only time I want to see a dog in a store is if it’s a TRUE service animal. The real service animals are trained and do a great service to someone who is truly in need.

I understand the need for service dogs and am totally fine with them going wherever they need to go because they are rigorously trained and certified. They are not bullshit emotional support animals. If you have a real service dog, the above mentioned does not apply to you … but if you’re one of those assholes who can’t go anywhere without your dog … fucking leave it at home!

Not Enough Diversity Bullshit

So the Oscar nominees were announced Monday. Just as the last syllable was being uttered, everybody on social media and TV starts blowing up the internet about how women and “people of color” are unrepresented. Get the fuck out of here!

How can women be unrepresented when there is a category for women named Best Actress!? Unless the Academy is nominating men in that category … then I’d say women are being represented. And how can you say that “people of color” are not represented when there is a woman of color nominated in the Best Actress category!?

There were 786 movies released this year. There are going to be winners and there are going to be losers … that’s the way life works. There are a limited amount of slots in each category. Do you want the movies to be nominated based upon how good they are … or based upon some political formula so everyone is “equally” represented!? Give me a fucking break!

Stop trying to make everything equal.

Life doesn’t work like that … no matter how much you try to socially engineer it.

I’m going to touch the third rail on this one … so if you are easily offended … stop reading NOW and Google some cat videos and go to your safe place.

As usual, angry emails go to comments@todayspetpeeve.com.

If you’re still with me … don’t say I didn’t warn you!

This is directed to woman and people of color (which is the new politically correct term for black people) who feel you were not represented in the Oscars. Do you want special treatment or do you want to be treated equal? I’m always hearing you say that you want equality and to be judged on your merits and not your gender or skin color. Okay, that seems fair … but you can’t cry foul when things don’t go your way! Being treated equally means you’re not special … but that’s not really what you want. You want the best of both worlds. You want to be equal … when it suits you.

There were both women and black people nominated in categories … so don’t make overgeneralized statements. There were no women nominated for best director … which is what you thought should’ve happened … so therefore you say you’re “unrepresented.” Stop trying to stir shit up where it doesn’t need to be!

Just because YOU think the movie directed by a woman was amazing … doesn’t mean everyone else did! That movie might have been great and she did an excellent job but there are 785 other movies to consider. The movies are voted upon by members of the Academy. Maybe the voters thought the other films were better? Maybe they were judging the movies on their merits and not worrying about what gender the director was … like they’re supposed to. The Oscars are supposed to reward excellence in film making … not make sure everyone gets a participation trophy. If you didn’t win … work harder next time!

The whole thing smells of activism and honestly I think it’s the media floating this bullshit. There wasn’t even enough time for some slighted actress or black actor to pick up their phone and whine on social media before this narrative had legs.

For all the people who are keeping this going for their agenda … just fucking stop!

Don’t say women aren’t represented. Women are everywhere in Hollywood. I can’t go anywhere and not see some #MeToo movement issue. Woman empowerment is on every fucking commercial and marketing campaign out right now. I think woman empowerment is great but it’s gotten a little out of control … don’t you think!? Are you trying to become equal or trying to take over!? Equality means that men see you as equal … but don’t forget, you have to see men as equal too! Is the goal equality or is it taking over? Not represented … Get the fuck out of here. You’re represented … you just didn’t win a specific nomination this year.

And don’t tell me that black people aren’t represented. Black people have there own TV channel for fuck’s sake. They even have their own separate awards shows. Are you telling me Oprah and Tyler Perry couldn’t get whatever they wanted if they asked!? Not represented … Get the fuck out of here. You’re represented … you just didn’t win a specific nomination this year.

EVERY year there are so called “snubs” in various categories. I’m sure the people that don’t get nominated always try to blame it on some other reason than the film or their performance just wasn’t good enough compared to the other films. The films are voted on by the Academy that is made up of people in the industry … your peers … so stop your bitching. If you don’t like it, then switch careers … yeah, that’s what I thought.

In 2009 Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for Hurt Locker. She even beat out James Cameron for Avatar. She won the Oscar because she did the best job! That’s true equality! She won because she made a great film … not because females weren’t represented enough.

The goal is to make the best movie you can and then hopefully you’ll be recognized for it. Do you really want the win if it’s to fill some affirmative action bullshit!? Personally, I’d rather win knowing that it was because I made a great movie not because I was a quota.

I’m am so tired of listening to all these fucking whiny people complain about how something or someone wasn’t represented. News Flash! Life’s not fair!

Google Maps

Am I the only one who gets pissed when I type in something specific and Google comes back with unrequested results!? For example … I was going on a trip and I typed in Hilton Hotels into Google Maps. What pops up!? Every hotel in the area … except a Hilton. If I wanted to see every hotel in the area, then I would have searched the generic term “hotel” and not been specific. If I type in specifically Hilton … then just show me the fucking Hilton hotels and nothing else!

I don’t want to see a Marriott. I don’t want to see a Hyatt. I don’t want to see a Best Western and I certainly don’t want to see any Motel 6 pop up! I want Hilton hotels which is why I typed in … Hilton hotels.

There’s a reason I want a Hilton and not just any hotel. I joined the Hilton Honors program so I can earn points when I stay there. I accumulate points and get perks when I save up enough points. Currently, I’m on track to receive a $2 bottle of water for using 100,000,000,000,000,000 points. It’s a lofty goal … but I’m committed! (Yes, I’m exaggerating … slightly … but you get the point. We’ll save the ridiculous amount of points you have to acquire to receive minuscule rewards for another post!)

Every year Google sets aside money for research and development. Every year they seem to spend a little more than the last year. In 2018 the company spent $21,000,000,000 on R&D. YES! That’s $21 billion with a B! They are looking towards the future and investing money in Artificial Intelligence.

I’m sure it costs a lot of money to be on the cutting edge of new, exciting technologies like that … but maybe they can spare a few million dollars to go back and re-tool one of their old technologies … so it fucking works like it’s supposed to! They are so busy trying to beat all the other tech companies to the “next big technology” that they don’t focus on making what they’ve already created work better.

Does Google even work on Maps anymore? I’m thinking they don’t otherwise they would have fixed the voice navigation it gives. I can’t even count how many times that bitch is silent and then pipes up to say:

“Turn left in 20 feet … (beep, beep) … rerouting …”

How about a little more notice for fuck’s sake! You’re tracking my every move. It didn’t occur to you to let me know that a turn was coming up … before I was actually at the intersection!? She either won’t shut up or she gives directions after I’ve passed where I need to go. (I guess that’s why Google chose a female voice. Whoa! Relax ladies! I’m just kidding!)

Oh … and maybe this is just me … but why do they have to switch the background to black when it’s night time. I’m looking out the fucking windshield. I know it’s night time. Just keep it the gray color.

Google doesn’t worry whether Maps works well or not! As far as they are concerned it’s mastered. No! No Google … it’s not mastered! Let’s take a little of that R&D budget and go back and work on Maps. I think you can spare a few million to make it better.

As far as I’m concerned, they have an obligation to make that shit work flawlessly because there are no alternatives anymore! Do you remember Thomas Guides!? It’s not like you can find one of those anywhere! Google Maps was definitely a large part of their demise. And for all you assholes that have to prove me wrong and say:

“There’s an alternative … you can use Bing Maps.

Fuck off! Yeah …while I’m at it, I can log into my A.O.L. account using Netscape on my dial-up modem. Bing Maps is old and it sucks! It’s as bad as Vista was and should die off too.

One last complaint I have about Google Maps has less to do with the actual application and more to do with the unintended consequences it has created. This new generation has no idea how to get somewhere without their phones telling them where to go.

If I try to give a younger person directions, they get confused if the directions are more than turn right at the next light. They anxiously tell me nevermind … I’ll just Map it!

I remember my old man had the entire south land mapped out in his head. He did outside sales so he knew where everything was. If I was lost, I could call him … from a pay phone of course … and tell him what I see around me and he could tell me exactly where I was and how to get where I needed to go!

I think those days are over. Those were the good ‘ol days when … Oh shit! I’m starting to sound like my grandparents!

The Eternal Red Light

It’s late at night. You’re alone. You’re tired. You just want to get home. You’re coming up to the intersection and you can see the green light ahead in the distance. You say a little prayer to the light ahead …

“Please stay green until I get there. Please stay green until I get there. It’s been green too long … I’m not gonna make it. I’m almost there … maybe it WILL stay green … FUCK!”

The light turns yellow … you contemplate speeding up to run the yellow light …. Do I have time before it turns red!? … Yes! … Wait, No! … It’s too far away! You wait too long to decide and end up having to lock it up at the last second!

“Damn it! There’s no one around … I should have ran it!”

So you sit there at the red light. You look around and there’s nobody in sight. You look left … nobody. You look right … nobody. You look to see if there’s some asshole who hit the crosswalk button. Nope! No one around. You wonder why the hell the light had to turn when you got near it. Whatever … it’ll change in a minute and then I can go.

Thirty seconds pass. No big deal … you’re still singing the song on the radio. A minute passes and you start thinking it better change in a second. A minute and a half passes and you’re starting to get a little irritated. Two minutes pass and it’s still red. Two and half minutes pass and now you’re starting to grumble. Three minutes pass (which seem like an eternity) and you start yelling at the light …

“Come on motherfucker! There’s no one around. Turn already!”

You see a car coming towards you. You’re thinking maybe he’ll trip the light so you can both go since there is NOBODY coming from the left or the right. He comes closer to the intersection … and then turns right. Now you start yelling at him because he turned.

Finally … someone is coming up to the light from your left. You figure … HA! It’s gonna turn red for him when he comes up and he’ll get stuck … but I’ll get the green light! He pulls into the left turn lane. He waits about 10 seconds and the left turn light turns green for him.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”

You figure at least now the light will turn green for you. What happens!? He turns and his left turn light goes back to red and the opposite direction turns green again … and you’re still stuck at a red light! Unfuckingbelievable!

Now you’re contemplating running the red … but you know damn well if you do, a cop will appear out of thin air to give you a ticket. You start arguing with yourself. There’s no one around … just go! There’s a cop somewhere I can’t see that will give me a ticket!

While you are arguing with yourself you notice that the light to the left is finally turning yellow … then red. It’s about time! What happens!? The left turn lane in your direction turns green and your light to go straight … is still red. Is this some sort of joke!? It finally cycles and your light turns green. It’s about fucking time! You finish your drive home grumbling about the light and making veiled threats under your breath to all the other lights you encounter until you get home.

Small Drive-Thru Lanes

Maybe it’s just me … but it sure seems like drive-thru lanes are getting smaller. If you’re driving one of those smart cars (seen below)…

you can easily navigate through … but if you are driving anything else, you’d best hold your breath.

I have a truck slightly smaller than the one pictured above (yeah … I know … I’m compensating for something) and it’s all I can do to make it through the drive-thru without fucking my truck up. All the tire marks you see on the curb while you’re waiting in the drive-thru … they’re all from me! There are some drive-thrus I won’t even try because I don’t want to be “that” guy. You know … the one that gets stuck and everyone says “What the fuck were you thinking!?” … like this:

Seriously!? I get it … it’s cold and there’s snow on the ground but did you really think you could get a fucking semi through there!?


I think it’s all part of the government trying to get us into smaller, gas-efficient cars. They had a meeting at Steyer’s house and came to the conclusion that the most efficient way to make us give up our big, gas-guzzling cars was to make the fast food drive-thru smaller.

Why is that?” … you ask.

They know we’ve become lazy and don’t want to get out of our cars to get food and they know we are all a bunch of lazy assholes craving salty fries … so to continue to be able to get through the drive-thru … they figure we’ll start buying smaller cars. Okay … maybe there’s not a lot of facts to back up that theory … but it seems plausible to me!


They know they are building the lanes smaller too! Have you ever noticed how many more of those concrete filled steel posts they have lining the lane!? Those are to prevent you from hitting and damaging their building. If they fuck up your car … oh well!

Who’s designing these lanes!? Who do they think are going through the fast food drive-thru!? The elitists driving the small, gas-efficient cars are going to Whole Foods Market! They’re not going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

Going through the drive-thru feels like going down Lombard street!

You’ve got only inches on either side of your car! Pay attention next time you go through the drive-thru. You’ll see a shitload of scrapes on the walls. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this!? Did you think those were just part of the stucco wall art!? And don’t tell me it’s just because I don’t know how to fucking drive. My driving is just fine … they are just making the lanes smaller now!

Look at this poor guy!

Look at how little room there is to maneuver!

So, if any fast food chain owners happen to be reading this … make the fucking lanes bigger in the next location you’re building. You can enlarge the lanes by making the dining area smaller … nobody’s using it except for the homeless. Everyone else is taking it to go or having it picked up by Postmates … because they are too stoned to go get it themselves.

As long as we are talking about drive-thrus, I want to bring up something else! Is there any way to make a longer drive-thru lane at In-N-Out for fuck’s sake!?

Every time I go there it looks like the 405 at rush hour. I love their burgers just as much as the next guy … but the line is enough to make me keep driving! Lynsi … you know you’re going to have a shit ton of cars lining up … build accordingly! Purchase property that has a lot of space for all the cars … maybe something like this:

Even if it’s a little out of the way, people will drive the extra miles to get there. I’m just saying …

No Salt Fries

If I’m going to a fast food restaurant … I know what I’m doing! I’m an adult. I made the choice to eat there. Maybe it was out of convenience … or maybe it’s because I wanted something that tastes awesome today!

Maybe it’s only in the Nanny State of California but I’ve noticed a lot of places have started NOT salting their fries. What the fuck!? If I wanted an unsalted fry … I would have ordered a baked potato! Food establishments now want to give people the option of a low sodium french fry.

Get the fuck out of here! If you’re worried about your sodium intake … then don’t eat fast food! Don’t fuck it up for the rest of us! Don’t complain how there should be healthy alternatives on the menu either.

If you want healthy … go to Whole Foods and order your fucking Organic Chia Seed Hummus with Pita Chips. Fast food is fast food. If you don’t want it … don’t get it!

Sorry, I got off topic … back to the fries … if I’m ordering fries, I expect them to be salted immediately upon coming out of the oil. If they are not salted immediately … the salt does not stick to the fry. Salting them after I receive them just makes the salt bounce off the fry like a pinball and down to the bottom of the plate. That just makes a bed of salt at the bottom for the unsalted fry to sit on. That is unacceptable!

Fast food is a comfort food. If I’m eating fast food there is a certain expectation that it’s going to be the way I remember it from last time. Don’t go making changes. Some things don’t need to be changed. Yeah … I’m talking to you Carl! Your fries have sucked ever since you went skin on. Your fries were fine the way they were. Sometimes those “focus groups” don’t know shit!

I’m not sure who or what started this trend or why … but knock it off! Salt the fucking fries like you’re supposed to and let me worry about my blood pressure!

I just want to send my appreciation to McDonald’s and Wienerschnitzel … who have consistently delivered fries the way they should be! Keep up the good work guys!

Bad Angle Pedestrians

You are probably wondering what the fuck a bad angle pedestrian is?

It’s a polite term I made up for the asshole who crosses the parking lot at such a long angle that you can’t get by them in your car because they are blocking the road. You are forced to just idle behind them as you watch someone else steal the parking spot you were trying to get to.

You know damn well they hear your car … yet they don’t alter their path to get the fuck out of the way! I know they fucking hear me … because I rev my engine to make sure they know I’m there (I know, I know … I’m a dick). This usually elicits a scowl over the shoulder and a slowing of their pace … as if going slower is even possible. If my window is down, I will passive-aggressively say something loud along the lines of:

“Yeah, just keep walking down the middle of the fucking road … don’t worry about me trying to get by!”

Yeah, it’s immature … but it’s really the only option I have when dealing with such a self-absorbed asshole who has no consideration for anybody else.

In my head, I fantasize about flooring it. As I burn rubber towards them … they turn their head and I see the utter shock in their eyes as they realize what’s happening …

… moments before they jump out of the way! I screech to a stop next to them lying on the ground and tell them to get the fuck out of the way next time!

As my mind shifts back to reality … and I’m still stuck behind them walking at a snail’s pace … I realize they’re just people trying to get somewhere and I wouldn’t want to hurt them. You’re so gullible! They’re a fucking asshole and I’d love to teach them a lesson … but I don’t want to go to jail!

I can’t comprehend the self-righteousness of some people. What the fuck makes them think their time is more valuable than mine!? What makes them think they are so fucking special!? It’s entitlement in one of it’s many forms.

Well … maybe they should pay attention to their fucking surroundings then! Although I’d love to run them over to teach them a lesson … there are other people who just aren’t paying attention and will run over your ass on accident! Do you know how many people are driving and watching videos these days!? The number is staggering!

So next time you are walking to your car … be aware of the path you are taking. Are you being courteous to the people around you … or are you being an asshole?

And if you hear a car behind you revving it’s engine … you might want to get the fuck out of the way … because today may be the day I just don’t give a shit anymore!

Hallothanksmas

When did it become a trend to overlap Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas!? And why have consumers been complacent and not said shit about it!? I know why the retailers do it … money. They are trying to make their “Black Friday” period longer to make more profit … but consumers seem to be okay with it.

I understand with the rise of Amazon, brick and mortar stores have a hard time competing, so they have to try to increase sales anyway they can. It’s irritating as fuck though to see Christmas stuff right next to the Halloween shit!

There is something to be said about celebrating each holiday individually and then moving on to the next one. When you can start preparing for Christmas before Halloween, people don’t put as much effort into Halloween. And if the Christmas shit is out before Halloween, Thanksgiving is all but forgotten.

In the past, the Friday after Thanksgiving was the official mark of the Christmas season … Black Friday. Moms everywhere got up early to hit all the sales and it was an event. Then businesses had to outdo each other, so someone decided to open at midnight after Thanksgiving. The fucking turkey is still cooling off in the refrigerator and stores are having sales! You know Mom can’t miss that! Then that wasn’t good enough anymore … and stores started opening Thanksgiving night! WTF!? If the women are heading out after Thanksgiving … how are the dishes going to get done?

(Relax … I’m fucking joking … they can do them in the morning.)

I understand America is a consumer driven society but can we dial it back a little bit!? Let’s try to keep each holiday separate. I don’t want to see shit for the next holiday until the current one is over!

How the fuck is a last minute shopper like me supposed to go and get my Halloween shit on the 30th … if it’s already off the shelves and there’s only Christmas stuff? I guess the kids are getting candy canes in their Halloween bag this year.

Internet Trolls

As with everything … there is a positive side and a negative side. Yin and Yang. Balance. This has never been more true than with social media. It has allowed people to stay in contact with friends and family much easier than any other time in history. The down side of social media is that it gives every dumb asshole a platform to say stupid shit … and other dumb assholes parrot it … until it trends and become a news story.

It’s great there is now a movement empowering women to feel good about themselves and embrace their bodies as beautiful … no matter their size or shape. It is finally becoming accepted to have “plus size” models grace the covers of magazines. Why they are called plus size models is beyond me … because these are just real women. Women are supposed to have curves!

I don’t know who in the fashion industry decided that the ideal woman was supposed to have the body of a 10 year old boy? Maybe it’s easier to design clothes on a stick … I don’t know?

Or … maybe there’s another reason why … but I’m not going to dip my toe in that water.

So now the movement is to accept ALL women as beautiful and I think that’s great! Society has finally started to collectively make the shift to accept women as beautiful the way they are. Big. Small. Black. White. Yellow. There is even a model with Vitiligo named Winnie Harlow gracing the covers of magazines and redefining beauty.

We don’t get to choose the body we’re born with so we have to love what we are given and understand that variety is the spice of life. There is someone out there for everybody and someone who thinks you are perfect just the way you are. As a society we are becoming more accepting of women and seeing beauty in many forms …

… unless you’re old!

Apparently if you’re old, society doesn’t want to see it. Suzanne Somers recently posted a picture of herself on her Instagram account in her “birthday suit” sitting in a field. It was unassuming and tasteful …

… but assholes started ripping her to shreds for posting such a photo.

So, apparently there are limits to our new renaissance of acceptance … age. We are willing to accept women in their many forms … if they are young. Although we are becoming accepting of different body types … we don’t want to see old bodies.

There are pictures on the internet with Lizzo in her “birthday suit” and everyone is cheering her on and screaming body beautiful. Tess Holiday is posing and people are giving her praise.

So why not Suzanne? We’re accepting of overweight women but not old women. Doesn’t that seem to be missing the mark of the beauty movement? Aren’t all women beautiful … regardless of size, color or age.

Why don’t you post a picture of yourself when making some shitty comment so we can critique you!? I’m guessing you probably look like this …

… which is why you post comments anonymously.

What do you care if she posts a picture of herself … everyone else is! How is it any different than the pictures above?

This is the same woman who once posed in Playboy …

… and no one gave her shit then.

If we want to pat ourselves on the back as being so progressive in our beliefs … then we have to accept pictures like the ones Suzanne posted. She looks pretty damn good for 73 years old! Everybody feels the need to share their opinions because everyone feels that their opinion matters. If you don’t have anything nice to say … don’t say anything at all. We have this amazing technology at our fingertips that allows us to comment instantly on anything we see. Maybe, that’s not such a great thing. There’s no time spent thinking about what you’re going to say … or if it should even be said.

When you blurt out something stupid to a few friends, they call you an idiot and it ends there. With social media, you are able to say something and the whole world can view it instantly. Maybe we should pause and think about what we are about to say? Is the first thing that comes out of your mouth usually your best comment!? I know it’s not for me. There are many times I will say something and after hearing someone else’s opinion … I realize mine was reactive, immature and not well thought out.

If you are one of the people quick to comment, maybe stop and think for a second before you hit post.

Customer Loyalty = Nothing

I remember when you used to be rewarded for staying with a company for a long period of time. You paid your bill on time and established a payment history the company appreciated and could count on.

That doesn’t mean shit anymore!

If you are a current customer they couldn’t give a fuck about you. Companies are only interested in acquiring new customers. They’ll offer new customers all the best deals they have to offer … while raising your bill!

I was in the market for a new cell phone. I saw they had a “Buy One, Give One” deal so I figured the wife and I could both upgrade for the price of one phone.

“We’re sorry. That offer is only available to new customers.”

Oh, I’m sorry … I’ve only been a loyal customer who pays my bill on time for 15 years. I was fucking stupid to think that deal might be for me!? (I don’t want to name names, so I won’t tell you that it was AT&T with that bullshit move … oops! … I guess I named names.)

What’s going on!? Am I just that outdated in my way of thinking? Don’t companies want to build relationships with their customers and take care of the ones who pay on time? Apparently not.

Let me use an example that we’ve all had the pleasure of dealing with. The cable company. You finish your contract and the rate has naturally gone up from what it was at the start of the contract. You recently spoke to your neighbor and found out they are getting the same channels for way less than what you’re paying. You call the cable company to complain about how much your bill has gone up and ask them to lower the price. You tell them you’ve spoke with your neighbors and they are getting the same channels but much cheaper.

“They’re a new customer … so they are on a different pricing structure.”

Well, what the fuck can you offer me!?

“I can’t give you that pricing but let me see what specials are available that I can give you.” … (long pause … the sound of typing … the sound of more typing) … “I’ve been authorized to give you Showtime for free … for 3 months.”

That’s it! Bitch, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you fucking authorize me for the deal my neighbor is getting. Obviously you can give the service away that cheap if he has it! You used to be able to threaten leaving and they’d knock the price down a little bit … but now that shit doesn’t work. They call your bluff and thank you for being a customer and then … your TV goes black.

You call the other guys and get a better deal than you had … but have to go through the hassle of the set up and all that headache! Once you’re done with the contract with the “other guys” and complain about how the price has gone up … they give you the same bullshit. So, you go back to the first company. Now all of a sudden they’re happy to have you back as a customer and give you the pricing you were asking for before! Fucking assholes!

Why couldn’t you just give me that pricing when I asked for it and you could have kept me as a customer!?

Shouldn’t the existing customer get the preferred pricing structure? Wouldn’t it seem like that would be an incentive for a customer to stay with a company to finally reach a tier that’s cheaper. Apparently not! Now the incentive is to leave and eventually come back. I’m just really baffled by the business model they are following.

There is AAA though! They get it. When I call, they thank me for my 20 years of service … and I even have a card that says 20 year member. I know you’re probably thinking …big fucking deal …and normally I would be saying the same thing. For some reason though, those little words … even though they are just words … make a difference. It makes me feel like they appreciate my business … which is a rare feeling these days. Other companies should take a page out of their book.